You're My Music - A Riker Lynch FanFiction

Time

Feelings are a funny thing. Sometimes you feel so many of them, you feel like you aren't feeling any at all. You're just empty. I felt empty. I always ran away from what hurt me, and right now I was feeling nothing but hurt so blocking it all out lead me to feel empty. I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling. I never noticed how much detail the light yellow ceiling had until I spent the hour just staring at its details. The door creaked open.

"It's 11:00 on a Saturday, and your feet haven't even touched the floor yet! Usually you've conquered numerous countries by this time."

"I'm not in the mood, alright."

"Sorry for trying to cheer you up. Have a fantastic day." CeCe annoyingly tore off her LA sweatshirt, and threw it on her our futon revealing her black tank top.

"No CeCe I'm sorry." I groaned, and sat up on my bad. "This week was stressing me out big time." CeCe rolled her eyes.

"I know what being 'stressed out' is code for. We live together remember?" She walked past me, and opened one of her dresser drawers. She immediately started to rummage through it.

"Well maybe 'stressed out' is code for I don't really don't feel like talking about it okay. Plus I am stressed out about it." CeCe didn't respond for a second as she kept rummaging through her drawer. Her faced expressed an ah-ha moment as she pulled out a tan and maroon knit-cardigan she finally looked back up at me and sent me a look of disapproval.

"Well if you're stressed out about it, then get up and do something about it. You sit here, and sulk about something you can change you but choose not to change it."

"I can't change how Riker feels!" I stood angrily, not at her but at my own emotions for making feel like this.

"What is the last thing Riker said to you? He said he needed a few days. Well it's been a few days. GO TALK TO HIM." CeCe swung on the sweater, and there was a small knock on the door, almost as if the knocker wasn't sure they wanted to knock. CeCe crossed to open the door.

"He doesn't want to talk to me!" I muttered. CeCe opened the door.

"I'm not so sure." She grimaced. I looked up, and standing at our door was inevitably Riker. I was shocked he was there.

"I'll let you two talk." She left, and closed the door behind her.

"Here we are again." I muttered. It always seemed like we ended up here.

"Maybe we should go somewhere, and talk." He sputtered.

"I kind of look like trash, so I'm going to have to pass on the whole public scene."

"Don't say that! You always look beautiful...no matter what."

"Riker what are we doing? Or how about what are you doing? You said you needed a few days, and you've had them."

"I just...I needed a few days to think."

"Think about what? I'm so confused it hurts."

"I know. I'm sorry." Riker looked so lost, I was worried about him. We both sat down. "I've just been feeling like nothing lately, and it's not about you. I haven't had a good sturdy relationship in a long time, and I just feel like I'm going to screw this one up."

"Is this about Estella?" I urged.

"No it's more than Estella. I've done some pretty bad things that have really affected me. I need some time to think about it all, because I can't make those same mistakes with you. I love you too much."

"You love me?" I wasn't expecting him to come out and say that. All this pain about love, and he was finally able to tell me he loved me. That's all I ever wanted was just to know how he truly felt about me.

"I do. Rian, I am in love with you." He leaned forward, and set his forehead against mine. "I haven't loved anyone as much as you in a long time." Our lips once again found each other. "Gah, I love kissing you." He whispered. "The only reason I couldn't say before was it was just hard for me to accept that somebody could love me as much as I love you."

"Riker you don't have to be insecure with me."

"There is a lot in my past I need to sort through. After the things I've done it doesn't feel like someone amazing as you should be with a guy like me. I want to be with you, but it just feels selfish. I don't want to breakup but I think I need some time to find myself again." I immediately wrapped my arms tightly around him again. "Well this isn't the reaction I was expecting."

"I was so worried about you." I released him from the tight hug. "We both have had hard pasts, and I understand completely. Whenever you feel comfortable talking about it again we will, but for now we'll take a break." I muttered.

"You know you're the best for understanding." He replied softly.

"Of course. I want the best for you, and if you need some time to figure things out, then that's what I want for you." We hugged once more, and I felt totally secure about it. I wasn't worried about Riker, at least not for the same reason. I was happy that he was trying to figure out himself, he needed that. Soon when he had life figured out we would be able to focus on our relationship; right now he just needed to be him.

"You're still coming to the shooting next week right?"

"Of course. I wouldn't miss a live filming of an R5 original! Plus Rocky said he'd kill me if I didn't show." I laughed. I laughed with the certainty that even though we were putting our relationship on pause, we would come out even stronger. "Since we're talking about our pasts, there's something I want to share with you." I walked over, and opened my closet. I tossed a sweatshirt out of the way, and shoved a box to the side to grab the box I wanted to reach.

"Hey I've seen that box before." Riker spoke. I took a deep breath, and nodded.

"It's the box I showed up with at your house that one night. I wasn't ready to talk about it then, but I figured since you're conquering your past I should too." I set the box on the floor, and sat down next to it. So did Riker. I opened the lid, and inside were piles and piles of envelopes. Some were different colored envelopes, some were older and tattered while others looked fairly fresh, and new. None were sorted.

"What are all of these?" Riker marveled at the pile of envelopes.

"Letters...from my mom. Nobody knows about these except for Rocky. I've never opened a single one. I've never had the courage." Riker picked up one, and skimmed it over.

"Wow this is from four years ago." He mumbled.

"Yea. That's one of the first ones. They starting coming about then. The first one came exactly a year after the last time I saw her. I've never actually given a single one a chance. I've never given her a chance."

"Rian it's not your fault."

"She was sick. It wasn't her fault either. I'm so selfish. It's just our relationship is so torn, and not solely because of that. I lied when I said everything was okay before that day. Throughout all the years I didn't visit her every week. Julia did, but if I had something going on when they went I'd skip, I didn't even like visiting her it felt like a chore. She was always so resentful to me. If I missed a week she'd get mad the next time I came. She would scold me for not talking to her, but would tell me to shut up when I was talking. She never did anything for me, she never felt like my mom. Bella's my mom. She raised me, not this lady. She knew I felt that way so that's why she snapped."

"Wow. That's a lot to hold onto." It was a lot to hold onto. That's why I felt so good about releasing it to someone I truly cared about.

"Yea. I don't when, or if I'm going to open any of them." I sighed.

"I think you should. You wanted to face this so you should. Go to a private space by yourself and open a few." Riker advised.

"You're right." I took another deep breath. "I need to do this." Riker smiled, and we both stood up.

"I'm proud of you."