Esme, I'm Ashamed.

Don't Forgive Me, I Don't Deserve You.

Work was tireless, but more importantly I was hungry. So hungry, things were getting harder for me within the blood wise.. I have never felt this hungry in many years, though I always made sure I never worked back to back with only two hours breaks at odd hours, and then I only wanted one thing more than my thirst; Esme. 

It had been four hours into my shift, finally some little down time in my office, I was debating leaving and grabbing a quick hunt of deer, but the odds of being caught out of my office would be too risky. Sarah, a nurse absolutely infatuated with me entered the office. And for the first time I could actually smell the scent of her blood. I felt my hunger begin to burn my throat. I gripped my pen, snapping it in half. "Doctor Cullen, we are needing you in the ER, there's been a crash." she said, sweetly. 

I swallowed the venom in my mouth and got up, heading to pass her, when I locked my door and clamped my hand around her mouth, I saw her eyes widen, and fear through them, I felt her try to push me off, but then she seemed to think it was a game. Until I lost control, and sunk my teeth into her butter neck, feeling the blood rush down my throat, quenching my thirst like nothing ever before. The taste, so sweet, nice. But I knew, I failed myself and my whole family. I pulled back, she was still alive, blood was rushing out. I pushed my hand against where I bit her in shock, her eyes found mine, I knew they'd be red. "I'm sorry. I was so hungry, I am so sorry." I watched the blood pour on my hand, and I knew I had to finish her, there was no saving her. I clamped my mouth back and drank her, like the thirst controlled me too. Alice would have seen this, but I decided to go the ER how did I get to here?  Once she was finished I felt her body become weighty, and dead weight. I cringed. I could smell all the blood in the hospital, all my hard work gone down the drain for one lapse in my control. I was my family's icon, I never lost control and here I was holding a dead victim in my cold dead hands. All I heard from that, was Edward appearing. "I'll deal with the body, you need to go. You can't work now, your eyes, they're obvious. Esme knows nothing, we decided to let you tell her. She will be okay, it was inevitable." 

Edward took the body from me and I just looked at my hands, her blood stained my hands, she was getting married to a nice young new doctor, in the hospital. I needed to make it all seem like I sent her off to go hiking like she planned, Edward had already given me a note, prepared, on a noted wolf sighting hiking trail is where she'd be found, assumed mauled from a wolf. 

I then disappeared to my car, not telling a soul I was leaving and disappeared, not even heading home. I went to the spot Esme and I made love the first night we were here, spending some time to ourselves, deciding to spend as much time away from the family as possible. Edward showed no blame, I could see the pity in his eyes though. Pity for the girl, or pity that I have to work twice as hard now to forget what that blood tasted like. I closed my eyes, when my own beloved's scent filled my nostrils, my arms curled to my chest I was facing the river.

Her hands, her sweet hands rubbed my back. "Edward and the kids have been acting rather weird, Alice had a vision, she wouldn't tell me though, but said it was about you." 

I couldn't let her see my eyes, my red eyes because my control was gone, I tensed more and she noticed. "Beloved, I love you. Why aren't you at work?" 

I felt her hand search out mine and work her way to stand in front of me, her hand rubbed my face, "Talk to me, beloved."

I refused to let her see my eyes, but to tell her I killed a human, I drank a human... terrified me, I was the Cullen that never lost control. It was never bound to happen, if I took the time to hunt. And ignored the high demand for me to be at the hospital. My free hand smacked the tree next to me. "I failed, today."