I took off my yoga pants that I've never done yoga in and threw them on the bathroom floor along with my burgundy spaghetti strap shirt that had toothpaste stains on it. No need to remove my underwear because I wasn't wearing any. I turned the knob labeled with an H but didn't bother turning the knob labeled with C because this old house sucks balls (metaphorically of course). The water would either melt my skin off or I could freeze to death while I showered. I decided that the heat would do me some good. Maybe along with my skin it could also melt away any shame I had from looking up destiel smut on tumblr all day. As the water warmed up I sat on the toilet and proceeded to poop. I already knew going into this it would be futile but I had to try anyway...as the saying goes, you never fail until you stop trying. But alas my poop never pooped when I wanted it to. My husband had made he's poop his bitch and whenever he commanded the poop, it came running out. He liked a good poop before a shower. I guess he figured the clean up was easier this way. This practice of his had inspired me to do the same but I was failing at it. I pushed and strained and my butthole puckered in and out but nothing. The toilet remained empty...once again I failed at something. The heat from the shower now filled the bathroom suffocating away all self deprecating thoughts. The water would only be hot for so long. I wiped my butt despite it still being clean and hopped in. The water was scolding hot and I jumped back to avoid being burned. I turned the cold knob just a millimeter to the right and instantly all the heat was gone and I started dodging the cold water spraying my body. You son of a bitch! I turned the Cold knob again and the heat came back warming instantly. I don't think I actually managed to turn the water into a reasonable temperature but was just relieved to not be cold anymore. I reached for the shampoo bottle that lay scattered on the shower floor. It laid there mixed in with the conditioner, body wash, loofah, and razor. My husband was too cheap and I was too lazy to buy a shower caddy. Maybe I would buy a shower caddy next time I went to the store, all this bending down every time I needed a different toiletry thing was tiresome. I squirted the shampoo in my hand and begin to work it into a lather. I quickly rinsed it out. My hair was badly damaged from all the dying I'd done to it and too much shampooing would make my hair feel dry and brittle. At the moment it was grey but I was debating on changing the color to pink or maybe a lime green. I love experimenting with color but some might say it's because I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm absolute garbage and hopefully the crazy hair colors will distract people from the garbage that is me. Or maybe I'm an attention seeking whore? Whatever the truth is one thing is for certain: my hair is always on point. So eat dick haterz. Once the shampoo was rinsed I started to work the conditioner into my hair. I usually let that sit for awhile to make my hair extra soft. As soft as hay could feel anyways. I started to reach for the loofah but I remembered something that made my stomach turn. Yesterday I had discovered a water bug, also known as a giant soul eating roach, in my shower. Those nasty little mother fuckers had the habit of hiding themselves in my loofah. They would bury themselves deep in the folds of the mesh, covering their bodies so the only thing that showed was two beady little eyes. Waiting...for me to pick up the loofah, than most likely try to eat me. That's a hard pass on the loofah. Those fuckers wouldn't get me today. Instead I squirted a handful of body wash in my hand and began lathering it all over my body. Paying extra care to my butt and gumbo pot cause, you know....
Time to rinse. I decided I wasn't quite ready to get out of the shower and face my adult life just yet . So I daydreamed and talked to myself about things that would never happen. Like being filthy rich or boning my favorite celebrity. You know, the usual. Once that got old I rinsed my hair out and turned off the shower. The bathroom was thick with hot steam as I grabbed my towel. I dried my body and slathered lotion all over it so my skin would be baby smooth. Then I put on my clothes sans underwear again because underwear is for punk ass bitches.
The End
