clandestine

I hate the fact that all you cared about was beauty. all you focused on were their bodies. I hate the fact that all you cared about was hierarchy. all you focused on was wealth. I hate the fact that all you cared about was promiscuity. all you focused on were their experiences. 

but mostly, I hate the fact that none of those are true. you never paid attention to their bodies, nor their wealth, nor their experiences as women. you looked at them in the eye. you cared about their intellectuality. you cared about how they dressed because you wanted to see if they respected themselves. you cared about what kind of books they read.

but this was not supposed to happen. I was not supposed to fall and dream about my best friend in this kind of manner. it has been years. years since I have told everyone around me that I was over you. years since I have told them that it did not hurt anymore since we were just friends. best friends.

you were not supposed to fall for my classmate. call it cliché, but you were not supposed to fall head-over-heels for the most unpleasant but gorgeous classmate of mine. she was beautiful but promiscuous. she read books but she also went out a lot. one thing was certain though-- she worked very well with words, just like you. 

sometimes I wonder if you ever knew that you had some kind of effect on me. a strong one, specifically. I never told you anything, but sometimes, we just expect other people to know what we're feeling. I could never have told you the truth without feeling the risk of losing you in just a snap. 

I am sorry that I have been avoiding you for the past few days. I guess it was just too much to handle. 

"Hey, I have a date with _____ tonight. mind helping me out?" was not exactly a good morning message. I guess it would have hurt less if you dated a different person, but it had to be her. and maybe it is true that girls are complicated species because until now, I haven't fully forgiven her. and maybe it's true that she has changed but I won't deny the pain in my chest that has been stuck there for quite a while now.

maybe I don't really know where I'm going with this letter because the truth is, I almost jeopardized our friendship how many times. and today, I can sense that this is starting to become one of the reasons why I am starting to distance myself away from you. I hope you understand, and I hope you enjoy your time with her. call me when it's gone and when you've realized that I am just waiting. waiting for you to make a move, and for you to finally acknowledge me as something other than just a best friend.

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HOW DO YOU WORK THIS THING

OK so, this might be really shallow and all but finally something from yours truly. I just thought that it felt weird since I've been lurking this community for almost two years now and I have never posted anything. so I guess here's something. feedback would be great!

(credits to matialonsorphoto on Tumblr for the photo that I used for the cover photo.)