Whenever I walk through a hall of girls, a field of beautiful flowers, blooming in adversity; I always seem to have a blanket with me.
It wraps me up and swallows me sometimes because of my harsh comparisons.
Instead of keeping me warm, I feel the cold seep through my skin and then it stops.
Numbness has its perks.
"Walk by quickly" I say, to myself. You don't have to feel this way.
I escape the problem. I get out because I don't see it. But, of course, it will still always be there because it follows you.
There, I see again.
Straight hair, black as night or yellow as the bright sun, not a strand misplaced.
Long legs, no blemishes of any kind. Tanned from the rays as they lie on chairs or sands.
Eyes lined with sleek black liquid. Noses straight as ever. Cheekbones high and visible like a cloud. Lips plump, always red.
Waists curved into that heavenly shape, thighs and arms carved into a size, the society always falls for.
They scream as perfection.
The things I don't have wrap me up in a blanket, snuggling me in.
Why can't I have that?
Yes, the society falls for anything and everything flawless deemed for our doom like in any other teenager's life.
And as humans, with imperfections slapped unto us right from the start of life, we believe foolishly.
I believe foolishly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I stand in front of you in this winter evening. Endless amount of snow and darkness that envelops us, with no amount of defense up at all. Vulnerable to my core and with false confidence processed in my brain. I say to you the words I've been trying to say. The simple string of letters that could change me in so many ways.
"I love you."
You were not taken aback.
Both your hands glued inside both of your pockets.
Your eyes stare back at me.
Your eyes were the same. Maybe the reason why I was here in the first place was because of them. They always spoke of a thousand words. Each time you pass by the field of pretty roses, you don't seem to be lured to their beauty like any other person would be. You seem to see me, even though I was only that simple daisy growing among the perfect and beautiful crops. Your eyes were capable of seeing the good among the best.
When you started towards me, and retracted your warm hands to put unto my cheeks. I closed my eyes, waiting for your words of acceptance or rejection.
"I know," you said finally. "I know you do and I do too."
I opened my eyes.
I can tell pure joy was displayed in them because I was not able to hide it.
But your eyes had this sad tinge. The swirling blue in them was like of an ocean slowly draining. I can tell you were happy and sad at the same time. How could this happen? I don't know but I know you are.
"I love you but I can't."
No words dared escape my mouth. Nothing possibly could so instead I let my eyes do the work like you always do.
Why can't you love me?
"Because after all this time you can't love yourself."
Those words gave me a hard blow. Heart, mind, body and soul.
"Allie, I need you to do this first. We both know that and I know this is too selfish of me to not accept you but I assure you this is not the case. I accept you with everything you are but--"
"I don't accept me," I said tasting the truth right on my tongue.
You nodded.
Your eyes were the same all along.
You then left me with a gentle kiss on the forehead. With the warmth of your hands gone on my cheeks I felt colder than ever before.
The blanket returned now making the cold unbearable.
It was around me and it never lost its weight on my shoulders and right now it felt so heavy I could not breathe. It was it's fault. My fault.
So I shrugged it off me. Taking it off as hard as I can. Pulling it off my body to feel my old self again. To regain back what I deserve in the first place.
Self-acceptance, contentment and love.
I start to feel the warmth.
