The Smoker

this probably sucks but i wrote it when i was 13

I met her on the side of my building. I always spend twenty minutes - before I had to catch my bus – outside, alone and I liked it that way. Normally, having a person around when I try to think about my life would have annoyed me, but somehow, I felt that having this woman stand next to me was normal and so I let her stay. For a while, she would just stand there, not saying a word, just standing. I accepted the silence as I didn't find it necessary to speak to her unless she said anything to me, and so we stood on the side of my apartment, enjoying the peaceful rise of the morning sun. Days turned into weeks and not a single word was ever said between us.

A month had passed and I still never bothered to say anything to her until I heard a noise come from her direction. I glimpsed over at her and saw that her hand was over her chest as she coughed violently. I looked at her in concern and asked her if she was okay. She looked at me and smiled gently as she raised an unlit cigarette to her lips.

"Don't worry about me sweetheart, I just have a bad habit, that's all" I watched her as she lit the cigarette and took a long drag.

She exhaled away from me, but some of the smoke still made its' way to my face. I smelled the air and kept my eyes glued to her face, "I don't know how you can smoke, it stinks."

She shook her head and chuckled softly, "well, the way I see it, it's better than what I used to do. At least smoking kills me slower."

I tilted my head curiously, "what did you do before you started smoking?"

She held the cigarette in her lips and rolled up her sleeves, revealing a field of scars on her wrists and forearms. My eyes widened at the sight of her arms and for a moment I thought she was crazy. She noticed the look on my face and continued to smile.

"Life can be tough kid", she said, "Some people don't deal with it as well as others". I was speechless, how could someone destroy their body the way that she did?

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a bus stopping at the end of the street. "I have to go", I said hesitantly as I ran towards the bus. When I looked outside the window of the bus, she had already vanished.

Throughout the school day, I had wondered about the girl that stands with me on the side of my building. I could never imagine destroying my own body. How could she do it? I decided that I would ask her tomorrow morning. When I got home, I felt as though the girl was still with me, like we never really departed that morning. I shook away the feeling and waited for the next morning to come. I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to see her...I wanted to know everything about her.

Morning came and I eagerly left my building and ran to the side of my apartment. I stood there, waiting for her to appear. A few minutes had passed and surely enough, she was there. She looked at me and our eyes met. Her smile looked fake, but it was still nice to see one on her face. I didn't hesitate. I looked her in the eye and quickly asked, "Why did you cut yourself? Why do you smoke?" As quickly as I had asked those questions, her smile turned into a gentle smirk. She closed her eyes as a tear slid down her cheek.

Her voice was soft and quiet, "as if you don't know already. The pain was just too much for us to handle...one of us had to take care of it..." I looked down at the ground, she was right; one of us had to find a way to deal with it.

As I turned to walk away from her, she gently placed her hand on my shoulder as a smile spread across her face. "Never forget, I'm always here." I smiled and walked towards my bus, I've got to stop talking to myself.

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