Close to Cute

This is my experience in middle school on The 21st. Names you may hear a lot.

Mel:first friend I ever had she's like a sister but we are slowly splitting.she moved across town used to be next door neighbor.

Emma: new bff. Brother is a ginger and is behavior changes and is crazy sometimes causing her sadness and madness-(he's called keven)

Monserrat: a shy girl 2 lockers away we are good friends.

Sami; she's a on and off friend. Can be my BFF or a enemy.

Henrietta: a frenemy. Used to be BFFS but now she is a girlie girl.

Adriana?: my locker mate we may be friends.

Stefan(locker mate don't know him)

Stefan z: a 7 th grader I am great friends with at another school

Bret and Riley : two guys me and Emma are great friends with. She likes Riley and Riley likes Emma- I like Bret secretly but he likes a popular girl.

Jack: a new kid I used to like

Markus: a husky kid I've been friends with since 1 st grade and he likes me

Olivia: Mel's friend at new school. She and I are ok.

Tony: a guy I have been great friends with since 2nd he told me everything last year.i did like him secretly but he broke my heart because he is the kind where he dates everyone- anyway while he was doing the game of asking girls out he had a list of who he won't. And I was one of them and I was crushed. I sorta still like him.

Jason: Stefan's friend I am good friends with.

Ryan: Stefan's friend too.

Charlie: he is too but I just met him and he's nice

Sophie: Stefan her and I hung out a lot when we were little- she's a girlie girl too now and in my school.

Emily: in other middle school but her mom threatened me to take tony to juvy.

Cassey: she is a girlie girl but it's the kind of opposite dynamic.

Maggie H: a ok person dont tell her your secrets most of the time BFFs with cassey

Madison: Emma's BFF (once Emma moved here- she's trusting but not mature

Anthony: a lower level kid supposed to be in 7th but he's really nice and and he's pretty cool (secret like not even Emma knows).

Me! Halle: a tomboy- hard for me to say who and what I feel- just saying I like someone is harder then it looks.i have issues like I have thought of hurting me or others who said they would hurt me first.

Alan: kid I knew since 3rd grade- he's a cool kid now most people thought I liked him or he liked me but we are just pals.

Lexi a new friend I make has a ton of ex BOyfriends

Liam a kid -

Brooke a ok girl

Starting!!!!

I walk in my locker bay and open my locker seeing a whiteboard and some papers. I take my binder and walk to my first class Language arts so I walk down and sit next to Emma. U doodle in my notebook when I guy walks in. Tall guy blond and thin. Brooke walks in and sits in front of me. "Hey Liam." The blond kid turns around-"hey Brooke." " I'm gunna call you waffle Liam." Brooke announces to the class. So the cute guy- I mean Liam is now waffle.ok I get that, so later I'm in lunch and I waffle Brooke and I eat separately but I realize I like waffle-so I continue to eat and Brooke some how gets waffle and is to make a posse- now I'm going to skip some crap- on Friday in gym we are running laps and waffle runs and I run faster then him after he finishes he goes " hey I am not slower then you" "ok I guess but we'll race and find out." He smiles and sure as I walk away proud. Before I left he gave me his number told me to text him- so I get him and text him- and soon as I check he asks me out. My first boyfriend- I said yes so we talked and talked and the next day I'm going up stairs and I don't see him so I continue pitting my flute on the band room- he's not there either. So I go in L.A. And it's like I'm invisible to him- did I mention one rule we made was not to tell Brooke!? Well I didn't so there Anyway, I wait and wait and wait he doesn't talk to me in 2 periods I go to band, not a single peep. After lunch we are allowed to go outside so I go and I sit alone and that's when I meet Lexi. She tells me about (another Rule was not to tell anyone ;) ) she tells me how she has 4 exes. I tell her how I got asked out but not who- she says I should dump him but I don't, I mean first (not really) love and you quit him on the first day? Nah I waited- all day. After school I text him saying why he did that- he brakes up with me saying he's too young and not ready, but he's dated before as he told me and I sank like a rock in water, so I waited all weekend and told people. Cassey laisha Sami Melanie- and I waited one more day (tuesday) and told Brooke that- not smart. She flipped out. They followed him around outside trying to get to talk. I sat in the shade regretting everything. Then my new friend Anna sat next to me tried to comfort me. It never worked. So on the texting me and him did after school he didn't reply and I said my last text "I guess you don't want to still be friends." And I deleted my app to get the hate out of me. So ill start by today me and Brooke tried to replace waffle with a guy named Eric but he wants to be called Debbie and then his breakfast name be Texas toast then it was too long so we called him Texs deb. but it wasn't right so we are going to but him out. Anyway today Brooke told me waffle was not ignoring her anymore he tried talking to her in math. Yet I get nothing. So last period (gym) I was running with Lexi and waffle seems to run past me- so I think oh the race! I jog and run past him on the straight way so faster! He slows down I guess he was sprinting! I turn and sprint to the finish- first done :) I watch as he finishes with half of a depressed sad look and a smile. Today (Thursday) still nothing but we look at each other at the same time more. I think I will never be loved I'm not meant for it, I just feel depressed about. I mean like I asked him before he stopped talking to me if he meant what he said and he said yeah but I don't know if he's lying or not. It was when I asked him why he asked me out was- " why me?" He replied " Your pretty and I like your personality." No ones said that , well of coarse friends say that when I reply but most of there guy relationship ask outs are face to face not face to screen reply . I was on instagram and on a photo my friend did hash tag gorgeous. Well I thought of deleting it but she said it was true but I know I'm ugly in side and out. After being threatens makes someone feels dark and evil. So I'm pretty black and hideous on outside like the inside. I made my will on my notes app just in case I mean I just feel like ending and I think some people get that.

So I deleted kik for my sake. If it kills you it only makes you strongery right?No it hurts to know those words of pretty are forever gone.i know my life is badand u expect me to be better but i don't know how it will end .its Friday I have 3 tests. I'm at the bus stop alone at the moment so I'm writing. I realized my report next week I is with liam. How could I focus when I'm after him , I have to go. So ill tell you about today- I'm just going to tell you the really important stuff so today at gym they were taking attendance and I was talking to Lexi I caught him staring at me. I didn't care it actually made me happy. Lexi told me they have the same study hall so she'll ask him. Anyway we were running in gym and I was running the final part with Monserrat and Liam jumps in doesnt of me (in the crowd of people waiting for us to finish like the whole class.) like to see who touches his hand first wins I guess well I'm about to run to touch it but I automatically stop at him staring at me with his sky blue eyes. I let Monserrat touch his hand but I stopped and I realized my shoe fell off and I picked it up and started to walk back in with hate in my eyes .

Hey a lot has happened so I'll make it quick:

•I am dating again- Matt he's shy so we don't talk a lot during school but he texts me nonstop.

•I am not liking this relationship but I sorta lied and said u told my parents saying I can't till a year or so (don't blame me on saying I don't like u he told me he was in true love!)

•I still love Liam but it won't happen.

•NEW KID ALERT A HOT GUY!!!!!

•Tony got threatened by a weird kid in our grade withy a pocket knife. He only gets five weeks of detention 0.0!

So that's what's happened this past while... So here some more:

I am walking from my karate practice I check my phone- no answer on Liam MILLIONS OF TEXTS FROM MATT! God he should get a life... I go up stairs and watch Tv and here a beep. Then another . Then another. I check my iPod- Matt just keeps texting me- I dream of me actually getting somewhere close to having a true bf. I stop, I mean really I'm ugly as hell so it doesn't matter. I really wish someone can just give this love thing a try and not have a fricking complication.at least tomorrow will be different- or can it?

Today was well like any other. But one thing- Anna is being mean. She's trying to always do tricks on me and it's super annoying. She acts like a jerk to me on a screen then face to face she acts as if she never said anything at all. It's really pissing me off , but oh well.

So me and Brooke are waking back in to gym class and she tells me:

"Did you see?"

"See what?" I reply.

"The new kid!!"Brooke says excitedly.

"Oh I think."I'm guessing most girls do notice cause he is cute.

"I like him,"Brooke says secretly.

"Oh cool."I think I don't have another chance with guys now. I hardly had 1 and my 2 is a....well ...... I want to say pervert.

I get home, I work on something I won't even say on here, but I do work on it - ok I'll leave this part to make you guess :

I have not had the best life.

I've had part of the worst 2 months in my life.

I just want this to END.

I have thought so much lately. My head is spinning. My life is falling apart. Matt is now over me and it hurts, he did a instagram picture like "once my crush likes this photo I'll say game over." Do I'm like ok this will be funny, so I like it. And he says nothing, so I wait. Nothing. It sort of hurts cause he said he would wait cause he loved me I thought it was funny but now- just hurts. I eat more lately cause I'm sadder but people think I'm. Just fat so yeah. I have now officially gained 7 more pounds . So yes I'm depressed eater. I hate it. Anyways school sucks and now and then I get crazy thoughts. It's really just like I'm on a roller coaster- then minute it starts it's fun and exciting-next thing you know your crying and screaming your heart out from fear and it always seems to change.i just want to stay I. My happy place forever.