extremelenggoles

☹2

So to everyone reading this, you might think of me as a different person after you read this but I have depression, anxiety and sometimes I can be bipolar. Not everyone seems to know this so here I go. If you decide to change about how you look at me then fine, I'll just suck it up because it's my fault for posting it anyway.

My throat feels dry af. Having a hard time breathing. Hands have been trembling for quite some time now.

I feel like I'm having these random mood swings again or its probably either my depression or anxiety. I don't know. There are just these times when all of those shit kicks in and I'd feel like crying. Yes I cry you mother fucker. I'm human. I get hurt too. I know I sometimes put up a great facade about how I'm happy but I'm not. I feel the need to pretend because of what, if I'm sad some of you would ask why and sometimes it's easier to just smile than to tell them the reason that's killing you inside. Other than that, if I let it out, then you judgmental fuckers would fucking judge me behind my back because really, most of the people nowadays can't even tell you face to face what their problem is with you because in their defense, "You're not worth the time." Or that "you'll just get even depressed." Or just maybe because they're fucking afraid of what's to come.

I pretend to not have a heart because of what? It's easier to pretend you don't have something than to just give it away to someone who you have no reassurance that he/she won't hurt you or that won't break it. It's easier to pretend that you don't have one instead of giving it away and then later picking up the broken pieces all by yourself because even if you spoke up, even if you told them what was wrong, nobody would care. Nobody would even dare try to just shut the fuck up and hug me. Someone to just let me break down in tears. I haven't cried because I'm afraid if I do, those judgmental little shitheads would make fun of me for doing so. So being the idiot I am, I just pretend like nothing hurts but some of you start to take it too far thinking I don't have feelings or that I don't give a fuck about whatever shit you give me.

The less people you fuck with, the less fucked up you will be. That's why if people want to exit my fucking life, I don't stop them. Just fuck off and leave me alone because I'm tired of always being the one who begs someone to stay. Who begs someone to stay with me. Some just even say they're leaving but the next day, they're here. They're fucking here. After all those people begged for them. They just love the fucking attention. As for me, I'm drinking my cup of newly brewed coffee trying to stop myself from throwing it at your face.

Right now.. Every damn mistake I did has been coming back to me. It haunts me still. No matter how much running I do, the past never goes away so I stopped. I took every single fucking thing in. All those judgements, all those insults, all those rumors and all their shits.. That right now I wish I should just die and burn in the pits of hell for what I did. My apologies, the things I do to make it up, it never seems to be enough.. It never had been from the very beginning.

It's true. What you see here, I'm rude as fuck. Blunt as fuck. That my honesty seems to make other people go away. That's why I'm having trouble making friends. Honestly I want to try but sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by judgmental idiots who already sticks with their first impression of you rather than getting to know you. In real life, I only have like 2 fucking people I trust with my life because really, everybody's just so fake. Everybody says they'll stay but they won't. After they see how fucked up you've been, they'll just go and leave you.

Nobody could break me because I was already broken to begin with. I'm not letting in anybody to try and fix it because it might hurt them in the process. Trying to fix me.. It's just difficult. I can't even fix myself. I'm afraid of letting in more people in my life because I don't want to hurt them and I sure as hell don't want to get hurt. But I seem to have been doing the opposite.

I'm not sure if anybody's still reading up to this point but if you are then thank you for giving a shit about me. If not then thank you for showing me I'm no good.

People think just because I respond with " such little interest " means I'm not interested in making friends. Fuck if my heart could handle it I'd build a mother fucking arc and shove everyone I want to inside. But I cant. Because I'm afraid. I'm a wuss.

Right now I'm still single because, yeah, you've got it right. I'm terrified of the thought that someone out there will actually own my heart and I to them. But giving your heart up means giving them the right of passage in your life to hurt you, to confuse you and to just shatter you completely. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of shit. But just because I'm not ready doesn't mean I don't love you. If you hate me now because I can't love you yet then screw this. I tried. I already tried to hard to please you. To please everyone around. My efforts are just not enough. It probably will never be enough but I got to try. And I got to prove to myself that trusting people will just break you.

Honestly, I feel like this is depression. So I'm gonna go off I guess before I start to say anything I might regret later. Because if I don't, and you come to me trying to talk to me about it, I might curse you to infinity and beyond and you'd start crying to other people how I was just fucking mean to you.

Now you know, my happiness isn't tested by how I respond to you. It just means I'm good at lying about my emotions.