Why Love When I Can Hate You?

Prologue

I remember the day my brother died like it was yesterday. That's probably because it was, but the time between I found out and the time I was rushed into the emergency room felt like a lifetime. It's hard to grasp that my twin brother, the person who had practically been my other half all my life, was gone. I felt nothing, not my broken hand or the shards of glass imbedded in my skin, just the numbing ache from the knowledge that Donovan wasn't here anymore. Sitting on the hospital bed, I thought back to the events of yesterday afternoon.

Walking home in the rain sucked, but it was a typical occurrence. Normally, Donovan was with me, laughing at my curses and calling me a freak, but he wasn't. I hadn't even seen him this morning. As I trudged along painfully, I heard ambulance sirens. I looked up from the muddy path towards the noise, and was surprised to see the ambulance turning down my street. I shrugged, maybe Mrs. Capri had a heart attack finally I thought with no care for the blaring sirens that split the silence of neighbourhood like a butchers knife.

I had rounded the corner, turning onto my street, noticing that the rain was pouring much more heavily now. Looking down at the ground again, I had started counting the amount of puddles there were on the path, it had a lot of holes. I quietly sung to myself, something my family did a lot, Donovan did it the most. It must've been genetics or something, but I wasn't an expert. I looked up to stretch my neck out, when I noticed the ambulance again. Except it wasn't in Mrs. Capri's driveway, it was in mine.

My dark eyes had widen as I shot off in the direction of my house, crossing the road narrowly missing the front of a car I hadn't seen. My hoodie had come off and now my brown and blonde hair was flowing along violently behind me. I reached my house's front gate and slipped on a puddle, falling face first into a mud pile. I pulled my head up from the mud and looked at my front door. What I saw shattered my heart. My mum was standing on the porch with my older brother, Shaun. Mum was in her usual attire, as was Shaun. I remember Mum was crying, heavily, and Shaun was standing nearby, holding back tears, staring blankly at nothing. My father soon walked from the house, his face stricken with shock, he was in his office clothes, which had meant he rushed home from the office.

Not two seconds after he emerged from the doorway, a gurney was rolled out of the front door by two paramedics. There was a black bag over the person, but I knew who it was in a heartbeat. I didn't have grandparents anymore, but I had Donovan. He hadn't been at school, and now I knew why. I watched from the puddle as the gurney was wheeled to the back of the ambulance, silently praying this was a prank.

I couldn't move. I looked back at Dad, who was looking at me already. I silently begged him to tell me it wasn't real, that Donovan was going to pop up from the bag and yell "Tricked Ya!" Like he always did. But my dad didn't tell me that, he only nodded, confirming my worst nightmare.

"No" I had whispered to myself repeatedly, while shaking my head. A paramedic looked over at me, obviously not realising I was there until then. He looked regretful as he closed the back of the ambulance, and headed over to the passenger door. He turned to me just before getting into the ambulance and said, in a rehearsed tone laced with pity

"Sorry for your loss" With those words, the ambulance reversed from the driveway, splashing more mud on my face and clothes, and I still hadn't moved. I watched the ambulance begin its journey down the road, and felt a sense of fear wash over me. I turned to my parents and brother to see they had dropped to the ground, all holding each other and sobbing violently. I had turned back to the street, pulling myself out of the mud agonisingly, noticing all of our neighbours had come out of their houses to see what the commotion was. I gulped, and looked down the road to see the ambulance turn the corner. I panicked, my brother was leaving, without me. I began to run down to road, towards the way the ambulance went, screaming out for it to stop.

"Donovan!" I cried, beginning to sob lightly. I pushed on and made my feet carry me after the ambulance, despite the muddiness and ached throughout my body. I had turned the corner to see the ambulance caught at a red light. I cried out to it, but it was no use. I kept running, even after the light turned green, and eventually, I caught up. They had stopped at another red light, about 5 streets from my house, I knocked on the drivers' window, feeling the fatigue hit me hard. He had jumped a little when he saw me, but winded the window down.

"Um, yes?" He said, uncertain. I blanked.

"Um..." I stuttered over my thoughts. The driver looked at me expectantly. "Um, can I, see him?" I said, finally. The paramedic looked taken aback. I felt I needed to explain. "That's my brother you've got back there" The driver had soon caught on, but just looked saddened by my words.

"Sorry kid, but, I don't think you'll want to" His voice was quiet but sounded pained all the same. I was stubborn, Donovan was too, he would fight to see me, so I needed to fight to see him.

"Let me see my brother" I said with a hard tone that wavered slightly due to me crying. The driver shook his head.

"The lights green, sorry. I can't show you him" The drive began to put his window up, which angered me. I banged on the glass.

"Let me see my brother!" I screamed as I hit the door, the ambulance started to pull away, and I couldn't do anything. I stammered for a word to make them stop, but the cars honking at me for being in the way caused my thoughts to be interrupted. I don't remember moving to a park bench, but I was there. It was starting to get dark at this point. I remembered being cold but I couldn't move. My brother, my twin, was gone.

It was pitch black when I had finally found home, the temperature had dropped, but I didn't notice at the time. I dragged my body upstairs and into a room that wasn't mine, automatically realising it was Donovan's. Then I saw it, I saw it all. There was blood everywhere, and a rope hanging from the rafter that he normally had mobiles hanging from. There were blades covered in crimson on the ground, there was pools of it everywhere. I quickly closed the door behind me and slid to the ground. I don't remember how long I stayed surrounded by the last of my brother's memory, but I had apparently cleaned up the blood with my own clothing and moved the blades somewhere. I soon figured out they were in my pocket.

Donovan was gone, and I wasn't getting him back. I looked up at his wall, and saw a note. It read:

I'm so sorry

I love you all

I just can't keeping pretending it doesn't hurt

Because it does

Good Bye

Love from Don

I began to scream. I pulled his books and trophies off his shelves, I knocked his television over, and smashed his cupboards. Dad and Mum came running up to see the noise, but I couldn't stop breaking things, even my own hand. Soon after, I was in the hospital, the doctors pulling glass out of different parts of me, and nurses trying to take my bloodied clothing off me.

And that leaves me here, without my other half. My brother left me, and I could never have him back. I was dragged from my thoughts when a nurse walked into the room quietly.

"Miss? Are you-What's that in your hand?" Her voice was soft. I looked down to see a blade, one of the ones Donovan used. I rolled it between my fingers, noticing that I had sliced my hand up with the blade, and even a section of my wrist. I looked up and made eye contact with her.

"It's nothing." She moved closer, which made me stand.

"I'm not going to hurt you, I just need to take the blade away from you, okay?" The way she said it broke my heart. I dropped the blade to the ground and allowed her to take it. "Thank you, how about we treat those cuts?" I made eye contact with her again, realising she was teary eyed.

"Can't handle death?" I said with a voice like gravel. She nodded slowly. "Yeah, neither. Ironic huh? Those of us who can't handle death are the ones who deal with it the most" Her eyes went to the ground and she excused herself from the room. I went back to sitting on the bed, soon lying down. I closed my eyes, and felt my pocket. The small bits of metal were still there, and I sighed. Pulling them out, I dropped them to the ground.

"I'm sorry Don" I whispered as the tears began to fall. I lost my brother, he left me. And somewhere along the way, he must have lost me too.