Brain Cancer Fic- The letter from Louis to Harry.

The Letter.

Harry,

I'm writing this while you're downstairs washing the dishes and I'm curled up in bed. Our bed. I don't like the thought of leaving it to just be yours- I've always been a greedy bastard, haven't I?

I don't know if you're reading this while I'm still here or if I'm already gone, but I kinda hope it's the latter because the other is just too embarrassing.

I'm really scared Harry and I know you're scared too but I am really, really fucking scared, and the intention of this letter wasn't to make you feel bad or anything but it just dawned on me that I'm writing a letter for you to have after I die, which is going to be soon, I think, and that's scary. But the scariest part isn't dying, exactly. It's leaving you behind. Don't wanna leave you behind to fend for yourself.

I have to say this now, though, because it's too hard to talk to you about it in person. Try to move on? Like, I'm not asking you to go out and get laid the second they've lowered my casket into the ground but just don't stay in bed for weeks on end. Or do, it that's going to help. Just make sure to eat and shower and feed Bruce. don't do anything stupid. Keep in contact with the boys. They love you, you know.

Before I forget- go give Bruce a cuddle for me, because I love him, too.

You said I was brave, but you're the bravest person I know. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I've loved you since the day I met you and I will love you until I die and maybe after, if there is an after, you know, besides rotting in the ground with maggots crawling out of my eye sockets. It that too much? Sorry, got a little carried away.

It's just, I can't stop thinking about dying. I'm not scared, except that I am, but I'm curious, because what's after that? Peter Pan was always going off about how dying must be the biggest adventure of all, but I'm not so sure. What if there isn't an after? what then?

You probably expected this to be some horribly sentimental letter with me expressing my undying love for you, which it will be, but not yet. Oh, and not you just walked in on me writing this. Nice. I'll have to continue again later.

-

Okay, so it's morning now and I'm going to finish this dumb thing, You're not wearing a shirt and I can see all your dumb tattoos. Here's a secret: I'll tease you for it till my dying day, but the butterfly tattoo is one of my favourites. You look hot, but the way. You're making breakfast, egg on toast, my favourite. I hope you don't get offended if I don't eat much of it- it's nothing against your cooking, love, I promise. Dying just makes doing other basic things kind of hard. I don't want to die. At least, I think I don't.

I'm gonna miss you so much, though, and you know what? Fuck it, even if there is no after, I'm going to miss you, I'm going to miss you forever and ever and ever and now I'm really kind of sad, because I don't want you to throw your life away after I'm gone.

I love you. I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I LOVE YOU. I want to wrap you in a blanket made out of my love. Here, I made you this sweater. It's made out of my tears. Haha! I hope you get the reference. If you don't, my love for you just decreased a little bit, Don't worry, I still love you so much it feels like I'm going to explode with it sometimes. Cant handle how much I love you, didn't know how I could love someone this much.

Thank you. Thank you for changing my life, for teaching me how to love myself and being there for me when I was at my best and my worst. Thank you for putting up with me, thank you for moving in with me, thank you for making me egg on toast every morning, thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for being my home away from home since day one. Thank you for being someone I can trust, someone I can love unconditionally, and someone who loves me unconditionally in return. Because of you, I believe in soulmates. I might guide you, but you keep me anchored. God, we really are a couple of saps, aren't we?

I hope you and the other lads make more music sometime. I know you said you wouldn't without me, but I wouldn't be offended. I hope you sell a million more albums and then some more. I hope you go on tour again because I know how much you all love performing, and I hope it reminds you of me. In a god way. Everything reminds me of you.

If you do fall in love again, as many people do, just do me one favour, Don't let it be Nick. That's literally all I'm asking. Also don't cut your hair. Ever. Or do, if that makes you happy. Just want you to be happy. Want you to smile, Harry. You can move mountains, still the seas, change lives. I hope you take advantage of that.

Maybe I'll see you again, in another life or something, where I'm the waves and you're the shoreline. There's some sappy quotes about that, but I cant quite remember it. Look it up, you lazy bum. Maybe I'll see you again, when I've disintegrated and become part of the stars and you have, too, but even then I hope it's not for a long, long time, after you've lived your life with in full and travelled and experience everything all over again and then some. After you've become a father and a grandfather and maybe even a great grandfather, with all that dumb healthy food you like. After you've seen all you've wanted to see and done everything you've ever wished to do and made number one on people's ' Sexiest Men Alive' list.

I can't wait to hear all about it.

Always in my heart, Styles.

Yours sincerely,

Louis.