Forgotten l.h

Chapter 4

*Jane's POV*

Entry #3

It's been two days since my episode in the Lounge and even though the nurses are use to that kind of stuff all the time, I feel so embarrassed. So embarrassed to the point where the only time I've left my room in the past two days was to go get food in the Cafeteria and to use the bathroom. It's not the nurses or even Matthew I'm embarrassed from, it's Luke. I know it was just a mistaken hug but I can't exactly explain it but it's unnerving to say the least, it almost felt like more. He's been in my room twice in the past two days doing rounds with Matthew and each time I've failed to make eye contact with him, even though I could tell he was trying. God I'm so awkward, it was just a hug Jane, he probably was just doing his job. But part of me also feels like he cares about me in a different way. Yesterday he even tried to make conversation with me but I shut it down so fast that Matthew stayed afterwards to talk to me about my behaviour, which in turn I lied to him and told him I was on my period. He left, I cringed it was a terrible awkward scene. But moving on, I think I've gotten over the embarrassment of him holding me in his arms like a small child, that makes me cringe. Because I know I'm so much stronger and more independent then that weak little girl I was in the moment. I guess I just needed some comfort, and now that's over. I'm over it, no more of this self pity.

I've expressed to Matthew and my physiologist that I didn't exactly feel safe here which then led to countless comments of 'our security is top notch' and 'you have nothing to worry about' but that of course didn't ease my worry. I guess since finding out I had been abducted I just haven't been able to shake the feeling. Matthew said he's getting the police involved now into a potential kidnapping case but he said he doesn't think much will come of it as the trail has been cold for months now. Although they may have taken accord of what I said because now they make you show two kinds of ID at the door along with signing in. There's now also a list of approved visitors for that day of doctors and specialist that can come in and you can joe only visit during Sunday's. This of course has helped lessen my worry and puts me at little ease but doesn't make my worry go away completely.

Today is the day that Luke and Matthew are coming to my room and Luke is gong to explain his side of the story of what happened that day he found me, and I'm a little worried to say that least. I wish could remember all of this on my own but sadly it's not going to be that way and I know it. My memory is what you may call... Foggy and I can't exactly navigate this fog by myself. Okay yes that is a understatement but it's so frustrating being in this fog, you can't see behind or in front of you. I feel as if I've been drowning, coming up for air only to be pushed back down by the hand they call life  and each time I don't think it's going to push me back down. I keep fighting though hoping one day that I'll learn how to swim or that the hand will stop pushing me under.

If I didn't have the support of Matthew or Ariana I would have just let the water fill my lungs long ago, because this is sucking the air out of my which in turn is killing me. I have a nagging feeling that what I am about to hear is going to mean no turning back, although I'm already neck deep in this. But what Luke is about to tell me means that it's all going to be true, the whole kidnaping thing, and I don't necessarily want it to. But alas I can't run from my past so I'm going to have to hear this.

Love, Jane Doe

~*~

    I close my journal and walk over to my small window out looking one of the busy streets of Boston. Even though I haven't been outside in Boston since that night and I can't remember much about this city, I do love it. Just the feeling of being in a city where you can't possibly know everyone but everyone still manages to know your name and greet you on each street corner, makes you feel wanted. Makes you feel like you have a place. I've been outside in the courtyard here but it's just not the same as walking the streets.