Lonesome Rising

She woke up with a jerk, pushing her hands into the mattress and "Ouch!" knocked her head against something hard. She sat up rubbing her head irritatedly, looking around the darkened room – and for a moment her mind was blank. Where was she? She didn't recognise the shapes around her that were visible.

But then she remembered. This wasn't her room, much less her bed. She was cotching on the sofa at her friend's apartment and was feeling miserable. And somewhat envious of Jane's sound sleep.

Why did it have to be this way? She'd barely recovered from the first serious relationship she'd ever had when an old friend of hers tried to make it more than just that – friends. No, that wasn't quite true: it had started before she officially broke off with Eddie. Who'd eventually made her feel used. Not really abused, just used. Maybe as much as she had unconsciously used him. It had taken her several months to figure that out; but at least she'd started to figure it out before she saw Richard after all that time. And she couldn't get him off her mind.

She rose, navigating carefully around a low table and two hassocks toward the French window to pull aside the drapes. She didn't feel like turning on any lights; she preferred to see lights at a distance, like here from the balcony. She didn't have that kind of view at home... which didn't feel like home any more. Not when she was feeling like this.

Too many memories...

Eddie. That didn't sound to her like a grown-up, mature man's name. Yet he was almost twenty years older than her – even Jane had said he was wrong for her. But she had wanted to decide that for herself. She didn't want to hear everybody telling her "I told you so". Especially not Richard. In fact, Richard didn't even have the right to say so, she thought, reflecting.

"Girl, you must find a nice young man who's right for you," he'd said one day.

"You mean he's wrong?"

"He's wrong for you. He's too old. He doesn't suit you; he's too rough. You're a nice, decent young woman who deserves better. As long as you're with him I won't give up, even if it's only to partly show how I feel about you. I shouldn't have been such a gentleman that night." She had trusted him because he was her friend, knowing that she would be perfectly safe with him.

"Now I'll never have the chance to tell you how much I care for you."

"You've already told me," she'd said.

"I mean show you. Show you how much I care for you. It's too late now that you've fallen for him. Do you love him?"

"... I did."

That response had taken Richard by surprise. "What?"

"I did. ... I don't know now."

"But it's impossible for me to get another chance?"

"I never said that."

"You did. You have a bad memory, you said so yourself."

"Doesn't matter. I wouldn't have said it that way anyway."

"Then what did you say?"

"That my train has passed your station."

"Aaah, but the train is on its way back."

"I didn't say that."

"But it is on its way back."

It was so vivid in her mind, she could still hear his voice and see those dark intense eyes.

She shook herself, trying to rid herself of that feeling that always came over her when those moments with Richard flooded her mind. It had caught her off-guard, thrown her completely off-balance at a time when she was vulnerable, unsure of herself and insecure; and she'd prayed for strength when she found she didn't have it any more.

She let the window slide open and stepped out into the cool night air. The carefully scattered lights spread out before her, as if the whole city was waiting for her to conquer it. But what for? Richard was still married; and here she was, alone, with no one's embrace to keep her warm. Yet, she still felt like they were friends. In fact, they were still friends – but how much of that had changed since then she didn't know. All she knew for sure was that even if Richard hadn't been married already when they first met eight years ago, he wouldn't have been able to give her all that she needed. She'd learnt at least that much since then – and now she was glad she'd had the chance to do so.

It was the kind of knowledge that could only be acquired through time – whether it was time spent in or out of wedlock. She'd learnt that a calm ocean with powerful currents of passion rippling the surface wasn't enough. She needed stability too. She needed to know that she could do more than just trust him. She needed so much more than he could ever give.

It was playing with fire. One that could have consumed them both. She was relieved now that it hadn't reached any further than it did. But it had reached far enough. She'd never felt it that strongly when she was with Eddie. But it was wrong and she'd tried to keep it in check.

As if that had been easy. With the excuse that he was an imperfect man in a perfect marriage – a reasoning she still failed to see the logic of – Richard wasn't the kind of man that made things easy for you, for her, except perhaps to fall in love with.

"I'll let it be my goodbye kiss," he'd said.

She smiled wryly. No, she hadn't believed it then, and she knew now that it could never have been one. That was almost as impossible as them being "just friends" any longer. It was a hello kiss. And the feelings that surged then...

She hugged her shoulders against the chilly air, inhaling deeply. It was refreshing, cleansing, and she lifted her face to the sky. There were only a few stars visible, the city lights below outshining them ten to one. But they were beautiful. Solitary and beautiful. Disconnected from everything and everyone else.

All she needed to do was to cut the strings of her heart. Cut them and detach herself from those emotions. Make the best of life with the least of mistakes until the right man came along. Until Mr Right came along. Was there such a person anyway?

No, forget it. She would make it on her own until... There had to be someone out there for her and her alone, and she'd wait until Providence brought them together.

She started as she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"You okay, Francis?"

For a moment she remained silent, staring at a solitary star as if to draw strength from its lonesome beauty. She smiled wistfully and took another deep breath. Then she nodded, turning towards Jane. She'd make it, and she would rise with vibrant colours. 

Again.     

— ∞ —

© 1992/2017 by kemorgan65

(Covers provided by the Golden Star Awards as prize won by #ShadowOfThePastTrilogy .)

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