Hold Tight (Phan Adoption)

Chapter Sixteen

(I am starting the writing process of this chapter at exactly 3:40 in the morning so I really apologize if there are any errors, I'm trying to use this as an anxious outlet right now while making enjoyable/interesting content for you all at the same time. Please comment your thoughts and opinions throughout the chapter and the whole book really. I love love love reading feedback, and thank you guys for the love and support and for just reading this book anyways. There are some twists an turns coming up so prepare :D)

Waverly's POV

Ali is gone off to school. My dads are gone off to work. I sit here, alone, in this apartment to rot with my thoughts and regrets. Why did I smoke? I didn't need it. I just feel even more anxious now then I did before. I can't tell Daddy and Lion and talk it out with them, then I'd just be in a world of trouble. If I say something to Ali then he will feel shitty for letting me do it in the first place.

And so I sit here. And I wonder. My mind is like a frog jumping from one lily pad to the next. The TV is on but my bare eyelashes stare past it and blur into the window. My mood is so unexplainable. I'm in a state of serenity like last night in the bathtub, but at the same time I have a glint of anxiety crawling along my bruised spine. My mouth can't work; fortunately I am alone so I am not force to speak.

I try to weigh myself down a little bit. What matters to me right now? I like to keep tabs. It helps me during times like these. Lets see.. what matters..

My dads are obviously such a blessing, as always. I haven't been very nice to them lately have I? I don't know. I feel like I'm just being rude to everyone. But they matter to me. They will always matter. Like Ali. He will always matter. He's good at being there when I need him, but is he really my rock?

YouTube will forever be my outlet. My other option. A purpose I feel like only I could understand. I know that's not true though that's the way it seems right now. Obviously Dan's passion for YouTube and creating content has him here, like where he is now. And same with Phil. And Joey.

I can only be attached to those who I feel I can connect with. Joey's mom and her issues prove to me that not all biological parents are perfect. But that's okay. Joey has such a positive outlook on things in his videos, but I know tugging on the hope rope behind the scenes can be a major struggle. I really hope his mother gets better, I would've loved to have been able to meet my mom.

Aside from Joey, I feel a strong connection with a lot of other YouTubers that don't even know I exist. Well, I suppose they do now if they know Daddy and Lion. I'm really not sure. But I sure am crazy about them regardless.

Jack and Mark, two gamers I just fell in love with from the very beginning. I think part of it is their genuineness. Their passion for their subscribers built on to the bubbly personalities. Oh the personalities.. Jack is small and cute and loud and explosive. He's like me, he can get lost in a visual and an audio and make it a reality of however long he allows. It's really the same with Mark, he's so full of life and effort as well. That's what I aspire to be. Like Dan and Phil always were in the orphanage, Jack and Mark are an outlet.

And there's Brendon Urie. The man who really and truly makes me question my sexuality even more. His voice sends chills throughout my body.. Even to places I didn't know could get chills. I know he's married, and I love Sarah, but gosh. Sometimes I can't help but wish that was me on his Periscope's getting to sit with him and laugh with him and kiss him.. I don't know. I'm like that in a way with Jack and Mark too, its like a crush that could never be fulfilled. Obviously the age counts when I'm thirteen and they are in their twenties. Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming so hard that I have to ask myself, 'are you sure girls are your thing'?

The sound of giggles and a keychain comes from the dining room and snaps me from my thought process. I look over to see Dan and Phil taking off their jackets and shoes. Dan has an especially big smile on his face. Phil kisses his head and my heart just skips a beat. What a lovely couple..