Online Journal

Journal Entry 1

   Sometimes I ponder my existence. Do I really matter? Will I make a difference in a world that would rather stay as it is? Everything is already so disastrous and I let things go too far. Now I'm stuck in my mind and my thoughts are so violent, but I don't dare to speak a word of it. I can't handle the thoughts, as I often think of death. Hoping soon that I may take my last breath. Another lifeless walk, another lifeless day as I continue to put a smile on my face. 'Why don't you just stop being sad', they say. 'It gets better', they say. 'Stop throwing yourself a pity party', they say.
   Can't you see I'm trying? Can't you see that I know it'll get better, I just don't want to think that? Can't you see that I don't feel bad for myself and I that I just want to talk to you without judgement! I know things could be worse. I know that I have everything a person could need, and I am so thankful, but guess what my situation could be so much better! I could actually have a dad that cared about me and loved me and a mom that wasn't always out getting drunk or high, and that I didn't see for months on end! But I don't have that, I don't have a perfect family with a bunch of money and name brand clothing. I'm not good at sports and I'm not good at math or science. I'm not always good at writing or music. I'm not the tough, confident person I appear to be. I'm soft and shy. Sometimes I say something and immediately think I shouldn't have said that. I don't want people to think that I'll beat them up. I want people to look at me and say, damn that girl is so passionate and intelligent.