Still Hurting

3

*** cont...

              What about lies, Jamie?
              What about things
             That you swore to be true
             What about you, Jamie
             What about you?

Sure you're gonna be ok, love?" Yassi asked. Concern etched all over her face.

"Not really, Yass... But I have to be ok." I replied. "Thanks for coming with me. You could've been anywhere today but you chose to come surfing with me."

"You know I'm always here, right?" she said as she reached out and held my hand.

"I know, and I'm really thankful that I have you. Wanna go mountain climbing next weekend?" I hopefully asked my best friend. I clearly want to steer away from the topic Yassi has been dying to discuss.

"Nadz, I think it's better if you talk to James first." She said cautiously.

"There's nothing to talk about, Yassi. I messed up. I hurt him. I b-broke him..." I stammered, "I'm so undeserving of his love. Upon seeing them last night, I realized that he'll be happier if he's with Ericka."

Yassi just looked at me again with concern.

"Look at the time... You should go now it's already midnight" I said as I opened the door and went out of Yassi's car.

I can still feel Yassi's staring at me as I was walking to my condo's lift. Then I suddenly felt cold and dizzy...

"Oh my God, Nadine!" I heard Yassi scream from her car. Her voice full of and worry.

Then I felt hot, thick liquid trickle down my legs to my feet. I slowly looked down and gasped as I saw a small pool of blood starting to form around me.

I turned and saw Yassi's panic-stricken face, her eyes and mouth wide open.

"Yassi..." it was barely a whisper, but Yassi heard it. She bolted out of her car and ran towards me. I held out my hand to reach for her, but all the energy in my body disappeared and everything went black.

____________________________________

I woke up inside a hospital room. I looked around and saw Yassi beside my bed, holding my hand and crying.

"Yassi, what happened to me?" I croaked.

"Naddie, love..." she said soothingly in between her sobs and then she kissed my forehead.

"Yassi, what happened?" I asked her again.

"I'm sorry Naddie... You were pregnant but you had an accident and the...b-baby is gone... you lost your baby..." she choked.

"I was pregnant?" I repeated. As realization started to slowly sink in, everything around me turned cold. I gasped and tears started to trickle down my face.

"Yassi, no..." is all I can manage to say as I looked at her helplessly.

"I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I drove as fast as I can but it was too late..." she cried back.

"Not your fault, Yass... It was never your fault. It's mine..." I choked out.

I reached out to hug Yassi. At that very moment, I was yearning for something to hold on to. I'm not able to comprehend and describe how I'm feeling. But one feeling stood above the rest – ANGER. Anger at myself for not realizing I'm pregnant. Anger at myself for being so careless. Anger at myself for being stupid and a fool.