Letters.

To one who is very present in my thoughts.

Maybe I can write down what I feel better than say it. Although I do not even know what to feel. You have made it hard for me. But if I try maybe I'll be able to break out, out of my own thoughts that are circling round you all the time.

In the beginning, when we first met in a Uni sports class you didn't catch my eye - I barely noticed you. Sure, we talked a bit, but I guess I wouldn't even have remembered you name. Then we met again - had enrolled for the same sports class, training the eskimo roll with the kayak. You had remembered my name and stuff we talked about. Asked questions, showed interest.

We had to make groups of two or three - I was with two others I didn't know. But then at some point during the lesson, you had no partner, so I sprang in. And it stayed that way. You didn't train with the friend you had brought with you, but with me. Although I admit I was really clumsy and you had to be ever so patiently. How proud I was when I was able to turn the boat up with just a little help of yours! You kept praising my advances even though they very little enough.

I had the feeling you had kind of looked after me, saw to that I didn't forget my stuff, etc. You were just sympathetic. We had exchanged numbers too, because you wanted to.

You kept telling me I did a good job and were really keen on helping me. I guess at this time I already had some little butterflies in my stomach.

In the last lesson of the three we got to talk to each other more. I mentioned that I love swimming - you told me that you were training it up to four times a week. And, as if you'd been reading my thoughts, you offered me to come with you some time, if I wanted! I accepted, but we didn't fix a time. 

A week or two later, we hadn't met for some time, I decided to go swimming and asked you via texts, if you were going too. No, you didn't have time - but two days later you wrote and asked me if I wanted to come. I had some lessons, but you decided to wait for me and go later. 

When I came to the pools, you were already there, I felt quite awkward. If I am with people I don't know to well, I'm really shy and often don't know what to talk about. My friends experience me as a rather goofy and talkative person. We talked a bit and then swam, each for him/herself. You offered to teach me swimming the craul, which I am no good at. All in all we had fun, but again, I was really shy and not myself at the time.

A week later I asked you if you had time to go swimming again - you didn't, because you were studying for a test. We wrote shortly, I wished you luck for the test, you never wrote back. I told myself not to keep starting writing or annoying you - I felt I was at least.

We had holidays then, but my brain didn't stop thinking about you. It decided to write again, and this time you replied. Really friendly. But my little delight didn't hold for long, as you started ignoring my texts again. 

Some time later I was just walking with a friend of mine, you came cycling after us, calling my name, and starting to talk. I was rather perplexed, didn't bring out too rational sentences. You told me you lost all your phone numbers and said sorry for not writing. Even asked me to come swimming with you in the following days. 

Thus we fixed a time and met again at the pools - but this time there really were lots of people so we couldn't swim. Therefore we sat outside, talking and studying a bit. Finally some guys left and we were able to train. I could tell more about it now, but there was nothing very interesting happening.

Few days later. I was sitting in the uni with some friends, studying. You came over, started talking to me, showed interest once again. You inquired if I'd like to come swimming again with you on Thursday - that day I had a Maths test, so I didn't know if I'd be able to come, as studying made more sense. 

My feelings and interest fought with my sense, and obviously won the battle. So I went swimming instead of learning - something you wouldn't have done, you're far to sensible and dutiful. We had more fun this time, trying to dive over the whole length of the pool - you were impressed I was able to do so too, and kept telling me so. I had to go earlier, because I wanted to have lunch before my exam, so I said goodbye and went to the showers. 

When I was getting my things together you came and asked, if I was willing to wait for you, because you wanted to join me at lunch. I told you to be quick and waited. Then we went to the canteen of our uni together with a friend of mine who had also been waiting for me. It was fun, we found out we have some very similar interests. But by then we had to hurry to our test.

Four weeks of holidays in which you kept haunting my thoughts, and two weeks of university in which you often came up to me and talked, asked questions, later, my curiosity did once more overcome my sense and I wrote again, talking about kayak classes. You answered, but only once. The next day I was chatting with friends I told them and myself to stop starting to write because it was always going the same way, and always first made me hope something and then being disappointed again. Just as I said that, you wrote to ask me if I was spending the weekend here and going to come swimming with you the next day. At first I didn't want to, but then I decided to go.

This time was somehow different from the others, I wasn't that shy anymore, and we were just chatting and laughing about anything. I noticed that you were often just standing there and watching me swim. Though you are rather reserved most times you started telling me stuff just so - it felt like we were becoming friends. When I went home later, I just had that real big smile on my face, and it stayed there for at last a day. You additionally had promised to take me with you again. On the whole you had just made my day and even the following a lot better.

I was convinced that you also had enjoyed out meeting, probably not as much as me, but I am sure you had fun too. Once, we have talked since then, just some little smalltalk. You always greet me friendly when we meet but never stop to talk anymore. Once have I written to you since then, it was the same as always - one friendly answer, then no answer. I can relate if you don't feel the same as I do. But I thought we were on the best way to getting friends. You made me believe that, you did. 

I don't know what I'm feeling. I just had a crush on you, maybe I still have. Your company has been pleasant, I've felt awkward at first but really like my normal self in the end, more than that, you made me smile the whole time through. Why have you stopped being interested into me at all? What did I do to make you behave that way? 

You could have been unfriendly, could have stopped asking me things, but you weren't. You just left with all these questions and thoughts dancing round in my head. Braver people would maybe have gone and asked you. But not me. I don't even know what to ask. Because there's nothing you did. I guess I was just overinterpretating everything you did or said. But on the other hand, it can't have been my sole imagination. You behaved like a friend, always being attentive and even caring. Yes, you did those small gestures, like going back to my locker when we were leaving and looking if I really took everything with me. Or bringing me an extra glass of water to make sure I really drink enough. Controlled if my bike's light really works, when we going home one night. Watched me swimming or diving for minutes and giving me tips to improve. Little things, not really important. But you did them though. As if you cared. 

I feel a lot better now, having formed words with my emotions, words that were not always easy to find. But this is the story, our story, from my perspective. I still don't understand what happened and why. Somehow my brain feels emptier now and I hope it stays so. Or maybe not. It would be good to simply forget you. Although, somewhere this little hope is hiding, that little devil that comes out sometimes and tells me "maybe he'll get in touch, maybe you'll meet by chance and start talking and you find an explanation". Foolish as I am I sometimes tend to believe this little devil - because part of me is wanting this so badly, while part of me doesn't even want to look into you eye. 

I guess it's time to say goodbye for now. These letter was hard to write, but saying all this stuff would have been imposible because there are so many "I don't know"s in my head. Maybe you have an explanation to offer them. Till then - farewell.

Yours

someone who doesn't know what to feel.