Lost Love - A Short Story

'And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay'

James Williams was the strongest, yet the weakest person he knew. He was strong for obvious reasons; he was their leader. He called the shots, he kept everyone together, he motivated everyone with his well thought up speeches that just rolled off his tongue with ease. But he was the weakest, because it was all an act.

On the outside he was your typical "sports guy" but beneath the exterior there were cracks, resentments, insecurities... Underneath it all, he was only a terrified little boy. That's what set him apart from his friends; they had no problem expressing their emotions whereas he chose to keep them bottled up inside. Xander Ryan and Kenneth Andrew, were especially good at it; whenever they had a problem they would tell anybody with ears. James, on the other hand, was a little like Isabella- she kept her feelings in sometimes, but most of the time she would talk to someone about what was bothering her.

Isabella...

God, she was the reason James was so damn weak. Because of her, James' wall he worked so hard to keep standing was slowly shattering. It was all Isabella's fault.

Of course, Isabella would disagree; it wasn't her fault she had cancer.

When Isabella first told him, James didn't want to believe it. He refused to believe that his girlfriend of almost three years was going to die. Correction: he didn't want to accept it. He didn't want to come accustomed to Isabella being sick almost every morning, having no energy, almost daily trips to the hospital... James couldn't handle any of that. But, being the stubborn boy he is, he acted normal..

He really should win an Emmy. James had everybody fooled. Everyone thought he was stable enough to accept that his girlfriend had cancer and he was still stable enough to walk around with a brave face for everyone. But Isabella, Xander, and Kenneth didn't buy it. They knew that James had been bullshitting them for months. Especially Isabella, who laid awake with her boyfriend night after night, holding him while he cried himself to sleep, then pretended it didn't happen the next morning. Was it frustrating? Yes. But Isabella knew that's just how James was and she learned a long time ago that James couldn't, and wouldn't, be pushed to talk about anything he didn't want to.

So for a year and six months, James and Isabella worked in tandem to hold it all together. The constant trips in and out of the hospital weren't making anything easier but for the most part, it was as if Isabella wasn't even sick. Sure the brunette lacked energy, she fell asleep in the middle of their conversations, and James often woke up in the middle of the night, his dreams being plagued with images of what he thought Isabella's death would be. The two held each other through it all. And besides, with each passing month Isabella started to show the slightest improvement, and that gave James hope.

After all, time healed all wounds right?

. . .

"Morning baby." James kissed Isabella's cheek in greeting and the brunette mustered up as much of a smile as she could, which wasn't much. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I'm not hungry." Isabella said, sitting down at the table.

James frowned and took a seat next to her. "But you've barely been eating." he said. "You really should have some breakfast."

"James-" Isabella started to sigh but James' puppy dog eyes, the way he stared at her through the fringe of his brown hair, and the small pout on his lips made Isabella stop. And even though she really didn't want any food in her system, she picked up a piece of bacon and popped it in her mouth. James' pout transformed into a smile and Isabella felt herself smile as well.

But the smile was very short-lived because just as soon as the single piece of bacon dropped into her stomach Isabella's face turned a sickly green color and she lunged towards the trash can, throwing up whatever the hell was in her empty stomach.

James was behind her almost immediately, rubbing her back. "Maybe we should call the doctor." he murmured.

"Don't." Isabella choked out, pushing her bangs out of her eyes. "I'm fine."

"You're obviously not fine Belle." James said, easing the girl back over to the kitchen table. Kenneth and Xander were already clearing the food away.

"James I'm not going to the doctors." Isabella insisted, rubbing her hands over her faces. "Besides, I already know what he's going to say."

"But maybe he can up your dosage or something." James offered. "Or give you something to take the nausea away." James paused. "Which is weird, because you never really got sick with chemo."

Xander literally choked on his orange juice when James said that. After Kenneth seized smacking between his shoulder blades, the raven haired boy coughed and said, "You haven't told him yet?"

"Xander!" Isabella hissed, her eyes growing wide.

"Told me what?" James asked slowly.

Kenneth, Xander, and Isabella all looked at each other, Isabella biting her lip and silently asking what she should do. "Just tell the truth!" Kenneth blurted out. "He has a right to know."

"Know what?" James asked. He looked down at Isabella. "What are you keeping from me?"

Isabella took a deep breath. "I'm uh... I've decided to stop taking treatments." she said softly. She didn't raise her head to look at James; she found it nearly impossible right now. But looking down at the table she noticed how her boyfriend's hands were trembling violently.

"You what?" James whispered.

Isabella closed her eyes and swallowed. "At my last doctor's appointment he told me that I wasn't responding to my treatments anymore... so I told him that I didn't want to take them anymore. I'm off of chemo and everything, and he gave me six months before things started getting worse." Isabella opened her eyes and saw that James'  trembling hands were now strangely wet. Turning her head up, she saw that James had tears falling down his cheeks. Her heart broke. "James-"

But the brunette boy didn't give Isabella a chance to finish. He simply took off out of the room, running away to the safety of his bedroom. Isabella knew better though. She knew not to let James lock himself up in his room, cry tears he didn't want anyone else to see, and then try and act like everything was peachy when it was really a fucking mess.

So Isabella ran past James and plastered herself across the door, arms spread across the wooden barrier, her body blocking James from hiding his emotions from the world.

"Please, can we talk about this?" Isabella pleaded softly.

"There's nothing to talk about." James muttered, his eyes fixed on the floor.

"That's a damn lie and you know it James." Isabella said sharply. She softened her tone after James flinched at her harsh words. "Just please, talk to me Jamey. Please."

James sniffled and raised a hand to wipe at his eyes. "How could you Isabella?" he asked, his voice cracking with emotion. "How could you just... give up?"

Isabella closed his eyes. "I didn't give up James, I lost." she said softly. "The cancer won.That's all."

"No Isabella, you gave up! And you broke your promise!" he added as a fresh wave of tears rolled down his cheeks.

Now tears were slowly making their way down Isabella's cheeks. "I know I did." she said, her voice breaking with every other word. "And I hate myself for that. But believe me James I didn't want it to be this way." she took her boyfriend's shaking hands in her's. "I know I promised you that I wouldn't leave you but if I do, believe that I love you more than anything and I'll always be with you. Always."

A strangled sob tore at James' throat and the boy wrapped his arms around Isabella's waist, hugging her tightly. Isabella's arms wrapped around James' body tightly and just held him, burying her face in his soft cotton shirt. "It's gonna be okay James." she choked out through her sobs. "It's gonna be okay."

James didn't reply because he didn't believe Isabella. He didn't believe that it was going to be okay and he had a strange feeling that time wasn't going to heal these wounds that were inflicted upon him.