I want so much. Too much. I wish I could have things, that I will never get, nor achieve. Call me selfish, I don't care. I never did. People might say I'm emotional. They have no idea, that I'm putting on a show. I only want a distraction - distraction from those regular doses of hatered and madness that I'm reciving everyday. I want revenge. On those who hurt me. On those, who took my parents, making me feel humiliated - those, who killed this child that existed in my soul and mind for definitly too short amount of time. I had to grow up faster. Because someone else decided, that they want me to.
I feel like everyone around me are so happy - all their wishes coming true one by one...And I'm just sitting here; alone, lost and hopeless in the darkness. There is nothing else for me to do than die. I'm just existing for other's pleasure. They can use me whenever they want - and then just leave me - like a toy they got bored playing with.
I want someone to choose me not because they need me for something, but because they need me - me as a person. I want them to need me to exist in time, right next to them. I assume, that this is what people call love - but how would I know...? I forgot...since that night...
When somebody says that he/she loves me, I feel, like they're lying, just to get me to do something for them. The same goes for any compliments...I just feel, like I'm being lied to...
I don't wanna care, but sometimes I do - if I didn't care at all, I wouldn't be human anymore. People might tell you that they don't care, but it's obvious that they do. Because they exist and think. And if they think, it means that they care - when you pay attention to something, it always means, that you care.
I want someone to care for me, about me. Not because they feel the need to, but because they want to. I think I finally want to know, how it feels, to be loved. I wanna feel, how it is, to really care. To care so much, that it hurts.
I guess, I just want to feel.
And if pain is the only thing, that I can feel,
Then I shall carve it into my own soul, like a dagger into my chest,
Right into my deadly beating heart.
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