Letters.

To you, who influenced my life (and me) far too much.

I'd never thought I'd be talking or at least writing about this. But I am now. To let you know what you did, though it quite possibly doesn't interest you at all. You - that group of girls from the other class, that felt to be better than anyone else and made sure you always behaved like that too.

I don't know whether I was very outgoing when I was younger. But I definitely know that I changed rapidly when I got to know you. Or say, as soon as you took notice of me. Sure, I wasn't your only victim, you hacked on all kids that would somehow stick out and not being able to ignore or talk back to you. Why I stuck out? Guess it was the way that I wasn't dressed in too fashionable clothes.

When I started grammar school at 10 I was really a really cheerful and above all talkative child. Never having had too many problem with other kids, had always fit in. But after a year or two, I had changed - to large parts thanks to you. I consider it lucky that you weren't in my actual class, but just the breaks were enough. You openly laughed over me in my hearing, bringing other people to join you too. Kept saying stupid stuff in my back or even openly. My problem at that time was  not having too many friends - I mean I had two or three good ones, the rest weren't completely thrustworthy. So I had no group to flee to, when you were being rude once again. Therefore I bottled everything up, stayed in the classroom for breaks because I dreaded you sitting out there just waiting for someone to laugh at.

You got some of my classmates to join your doings, which made me even more an outsider. This was the hardest time for me. I remember coming to school ten minutes late, the classroom's door was shut and the teacher was already in there. I knew I had to walk in and just sit on my place - what could happen after all? But I was afraid, afraid of getting everybodys attention, of starting wispering, laughing and evil comments about me. So I waited outside, the whole rest of the lesson, before I quietly entered class in the break when everybody was being loud anyways. You can be sure that didn't happen just once. I hated people looking at me, was getting shyer and more quiet every day.

The only thing that sometimes got me respect from my classmates were my good grades at school, although being accused of being a nerd often, I got them without much studying. This made me a source of homeworks and explanations to more difficult tasks. These were some of the happiest moments of that part of my school career. Being asked for help by more popular people, or getting chosen for group projects. Getting chosen in the sports teams - this was a completely different story. I always was among the very last ones to be picked, mainly because I was (and still am) really bad in all kinds of ball games, because I'm really clumsy sometimes. Although I have always been rather sporty. But also because your laughing over me and the fact that you started treating the people that befriended me the same as me. 

I could go on for pages about the things you did. If I hadn't come into a new class in fifth grade, making friends with some new people, who are still my best friends now - I don't know where it would have ended. They managed to get me out of my reserve, breaking down the walls I built round me to protect myself from your insults. These people brought my geeky, laughing and nearly always talking self out again. But they couldn't redo every damage you ever made. I still am really self conscious, sometimes even afraid when I'm with other people. Although I enjoy doing speeches (at least on topics I know about) I hate being the center of attraction at most other times.

Now, you're not trying to be friends with me, but whenever we meet, you either ignore me or are covered in false friendlyness. But I don't care anymore. I've learned to ignore you and your hurtful behaviour, because I'm not dependet on the opinions of people that don't like me or that I don't like for my happiness. You left scars, that won't disapear but you left. I entangled myself from your net of abusing and making fun of people. 

I can't even say I'm mad at you. Because I learnt to cope with the whole thing now, and that has been an useful experience I guess. At least it shaped me, without that episode in my life I wouldn't be the person I am now. In my case it ended rather nicely, but there are millions of people out there being bullied just far worse, seeing no chance of escaping. I wonder if you ever realised what you did - I guess not. 

Hoping that you stopped being like that

me, who isn't afraid of you any more.