The thing with me is that I get easily attached when there is intimacy involved. I forget that many people do it for meaningless, loveless fun. I guess I will be forever one of those girls who think that intimacy is a sacred act that goes beyond the physicality. I mean, for me, surrendering my body to someone is like one of the highest forms of trust and surrender. After all, this is my body we're talking about. The shell of my soul. Or something. It's the reason why I don't easily put out, even to my former partners. They all had to wait for months. That's how important it is for me. But then I got kind of jaded after all these series of failed relationships and I thought I could be callous enough to sleep with people and think nothing of it. After all, I was heartbroken and the numbness I felt after that was such that I felt like the only way I could feel something again is if someone sets my hands on fire or fvcks my brains out.
I chose to do the latter, although finding a partner for that posed as a problem since I was not exactly willing to just throw myself at random strangers. Or willing friends. I mean, there has to be chemistry to begin with. And I kind of found it in Ryan, The thing with him is that I trust and distrust him at the same time. Like I trust him to be someone to fall back on but I don't trust him to live up to it in the end. But whatever, so I was fairly fond of him and I was instantly magnetized. I swore to myself that I would not harbor feelings or become needy/clingy, or expect him to care for me, or tend to my emotional needs.
But I guess after becoming intimate I felt some of my walls crash down. And this is why I know I'm not cut for this friends-with-benefits thing. I slowly felt myself opening up for him and developing feelings. I knew that it could get ugly since it was supposed to be a no-strings-attached set up. I defended our situation to my friends because they didn't like the whole fvck buddy thing, but I said that we weren't fvck buddies. That we are two people who used to have an intense past, and deeply hurt that we can't handle a relationship again. i told them it was purely just booty calls.
It would have been better if it was just the latter, except that now I know I cannot handle that kind of thing. The problem is, after some time, I decided not to hold back anymore and I really didn't care if the feelings were mutual or not. I mean, I was sleeping with the person already, what else was there to hold back? And so I just started treating him the way I would, regardless if he felt anything for me at all or not. I did those things not because I was hoping he would realize what a wonderful girl I was and make me his girlfriend or something, okay? I did those things because it was him, Because I remembered all those times he helped me out to get over with my pasts. Because I felt like I had a chance to somehow redeem myself to him, that I'm sorry I was a manipulative, mindfucking witch who toyed with others emotions because i was hurt too.. I realized that maybe, he can make me change my beliefs in commitments and he's different from the rest, but what we had was difference.. so i put it like., That even though we weren't committed, we would respect each other's feelings and shit like that. But then we always argue and fight, and even though I was drunk, I kind of remember everything he said. i felt like this whole thing is just a waste of time, Since we both know now that it's not going to get anywhere.
Then he complained about how clingy I get, like I expected him to be at my beck and call, like he had no freedom to refuse me or whatever, and he wasn't even free to mess around or what, And I guess I find that a bit insulting. And hurtful. Because I do things for him because it's him. And I thought he does those things for me because it's me, because it makes him happy to fend for me, spend time with, text me. I mean, it never occurred to me that I was becoming burdensome. That he wasn't really voluntarily doing those things because he loves or likes me, but because he feels obligated to, because I might get miffed or something and he just cannot handle miffed girls like me, apparently.
So I asked him."So you cannot handle this?" And behind that question is a load of other questions like "So you don't like me as much as I thought you did? You can seriously just up and leave? I'm not special to you? Am I not worth it? You wouldn't even try? "So you cannot handle this? You cannot handle me?"
"No. I can't."
And if it was possible to be heartbroken by someone who's not even mine to begin with, that was the moment. I mean, he promised not to leave me, i feel sacred and tried to leave..he's not exactly like he will care for me for the rest of his life. I kind of thought we somehow got it made because he wanted us to live together and be committed. And i changed myself for him.. So that has got to mean something, right?
So... there you go.we kind of patched up already. And made everything official in my mind, I don't know if he was just trying to comfort me because I was crying and asking him not to leave me that one time we had sex. It was then when I was finally alone with my thoughts that I got to think, or overthink, things through and I ended up with this... empty feeling. I have no other way to describe it. I just feel so empty. I feel like I have misunderstood everything. That I had been too hopeful and even naïve. I have no one to blame but myself. When I told him I didn't expect it to be like this, what I really meant was I thought it would be different for him, too. But he just responded with how I should've known how these things work before I got myself involved.
And that was when I felt my walls climb back up. Fine, it was my fault. Fine, I was the demanding girl who's not even a girlfriend. Fine, I cared too much. Fine, I carelessly allowed myself to be emotionally attached. Fine. And I slowly rebuilt my walls around me.
The thing with me is that I can get detached just as easily as I can get attached. I've met so many people in my life that their coming and going has become something constant for me. I keep very few people in my life, and my relationship with them is made. I thought he could be one of those, but the thing is, I do not like getting hurt. So now I'm like backing away from him slowly. I refuse to invest any more thoughts or deeper emotions in this,I just really thought we had like... a second chance to right whatever wrong things we have done to each other before. Like we can rebuild our relationship, But I don't know, I guess I was being too idealistic for my own good. And he was just being casual because that's what he expected this to be.
So, basically, I don't know where this is headed. I don't know what I want, but for sure it's not this. But i can't leave either.
