Never Would I Ever - Toby Turner Fanfiction

Confused

I’ve turned into one of those annoying, self-conscious, whiny, teenage girls you see on movies that are always getting jealous and being over-dramatic and I don’t even know how it happened. One minute I was rocking around with my DGAF attitude doing whatever I wanted to do, and the next I’m worrying over the smallest things and being paranoid that the entire world hates me. I don’t get it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Toby hasn’t talked to me since we kissed, which I might add was over a week ago. I don’t see what I did wrong...

Maybe I was too clingy, maybe I wasn’t clingy enough, maybe he met someone else, maybe he’s just getting sick of me always complaining. Well maybe it’s for the best... I mean I’m not exactly in the best condition to be dating right now. And who says we would even end up dating in the first place? We kissed, that’s it. It doesn’t show he has feelings for me. Maybe it was just a heat of the moment thing and he regrets ever making a move.

Je ne sais pas. Maybe I should just forget it.  

I’m getting my leg arm cast off tomorrow so I can hopefully leave this room soon, it’d be nice to see the rest of the hospital at least and meet some of the other patients. I’m sure I can find someone with something in common with me here.

I don’t know how I feel anymore. Some days I know I’m having a bad day and I need to be alone, others I’m in a good mood and I just want to go outside and see people. Days like this, I think I just feel tired. Or numb. I can’t work out if I like it or not.

My memory is still coming back in pieces, I can remember more of my childhood. I even remembered a sleepover me and Lainey had when we were teenagers yesterday and when I told her she burst into tears with a smile on her face.  The progress scares me though. The more memory I get back the closer I get to leaving the place I’ve grown so comfortable in the past two months. I don’t think I want to leave the hospital. I’m scared what the world outside these walls will throw at me, the challenges, the obstacles, the judgemental looks. I don’t think I could handle it.

My sigh breaks the silence as I boredly glance around the empty room and slump down into my pillows further. My eyes stop on the table beside me. Lainey brought me a few things from our apartment, including my laptop and drawing book last month for me for those days when she can’t be there and I get lonely. After a while considering it, I lightly pick up my drawing book and begin to flip through it. I’m overwhelmed with memories and I blink profusely as a dizzy spell sweeps over me. I focus my eyes back to the pages, the drawings. I remember these drawings. I don’t remember drawing them, but I remember them. I continue flipping, faster and faster as I reach the end and my hands stop at the last entry. My shaky fingers stroke the page delicately and tears begin to blur my vision. This one I definitely remember. I drew it one night me and Lainey had had a fight over something stupid and I had turned to Toby to cheer me up. I watched all of his old vlogs and got inspired to draw a full-body portrait of him. I felt so proud of myself, it barely took much effort at all and it turned out brilliant. That’s the most accurate and detailed memory I’ve been able to evoke since the accident.

A swarm of butterflies suddenly invade my stomach and I find myself quietly sobbing to myself with the stupidest grin on my face. I can't believe it's taken me this long to realise. How could I have been so blind towards my own emotions? This explains why I've been so up and down lately. It's why I smile every time I think of him, with his adorable laugh and soft lips and his cute accent and just everything. I need to tell him.

Without blinking I drop the book and reach out to snatch my phone off the table. I dial his number rapidly and he picks up on the 3rd ring. My head and heart begin pounding as I hear him speak.

“Hello?”

My mind is racing and I don’t know what to say. I stutter down the receiver.

“H-hey it’s uh hey it’s Ky” I clear my throat.

“Oh hey Ky...” Is it just me or does he sound disappointed...?

Suddenly all the confidence I had before has run out the door and I feel like a fish out of water, flopping and gasping for air.

An awkward silence quickly takes control of the conversation. I start breathing quickly, my pulse quickening and I am about to hang up when the book catches my eye. I remember why I called him in the first place. I sit up straight in my bed, close my eyes, take a deep breath and quietly clear my throat.

“Toby?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I love you.”