Inspiration. It was what I lacked. I tried to force myself to conceive it, but that never worked. It left me feeling frustrated and strained. It was supposed to come naturally, so I waited. I waited hours and hours. I once waited a whole day, but it just never seemed to find me. It was lost.
Motivation and inspiration went hand in hand together. They were the best combination, but I never had both at the same time. For one thing, I never was inspired, but the only time I was motivated, I had nothing to work on. I had nothing to do, nowhere to go. I was stuck.
My life was—I mean is—a complete mess. Every project I ever start is left abandoned, and I have no drive to finish it. I start projects because I think that's what I should do, but my heart is never in it. I have nothing to show off, or be proud of so far. My parents are disappointed that I never got married, and I don't have kids. I lie to them and claim "I just haven't found Mr. Right yet" and it's useless because they never believe it. I think they know the truth, so I don't know why I bother lying. It's pointless.
Goals and hopes left my thoughts a long time ago. The work to cultivate a wish is too difficult and strenuous for me. So instead, I stumble aimlessly through my numbered days of existence and pray meaning finds its way to me. So far, nothing worth loving has found me, but I still have a tiny bit of hope that something will one day.
I tell myself frequently that it's okay to be lost for awhile. It's okay to lose grip on society, and lose purpose. I tell myself this with the thought that one day I will find my way back. I haven't always been like this. I haven't always been such a lost soul. I was once a successful business owner of a toilet paper company. I made millions every year, and I was truly happy. However, it was a turn off to everyone I tried to date. As soon as I said "toilet paper", I knew the date would be over sooner than it started. I tried to brush it off, but every time this happened, a tiny bit of my ego was shaved off. Inch my inch, I was becoming smaller and smaller. My motivation diminished, and I stopped caring about my company. It slowly, but steadily went downhill to bankruptcy. I lost my millions, and I was reduced to sleeping on the street for a solid month. Things did turn around a bit, however, when I was hired at an office. This office sells writing utensils, and my job is to help market and promote them. If I'm being honest, it's the most boring work I've ever done.
It's been 10 years since I lost my company, and so far, things are not looking up. I still have my job, and I'm able to afford a decent sized apartment. I have my own car, and enough money to buy food. The only thing missing from my life is purpose.
