Pancakes in Pittsburgh

August 13: Part 1

It took me so long to convince Zale to come with me on a camping trip when we turned 17, but I finally got her to crack a month before the trip. We packed more supplies than we would need for the long weekend in August, "Are you sure you don't want me to borrow my parent's truck?" She said, she was so worried nothing would fit.

"Nah, the guy at the dealer said she can fit everything we need," I banged on the top of my new used blue Ford Edge, which was only a few days new to me but years old.

"She?"

"Yeah she! You name boats after women!" I defend my new baby (previous owners of the name included my computer, my dog, and the s'mores I'm famous for).

"It's not a girl, Evan." She detested.

"It's also not a living being, Zales," I said jokingly as I forced a ten-person tent into the trunk, "I swear to god, this bitch." I said as the tent box refused to slide into the slot I had predetermined for it.

"Evan," Zale began, "I can prove to you that this she is a he." She came up behind me, "Fucking shit, a ten person tent?!"

"You know, so we don't get into sexual shenanigans while we're out camping." I joked.

"We're going to a family camping spot Ev," she said finally pushing the tent into its spot, "all of the adults there are just as sex deprived as we are."

I laughed and stepped back to admire my work, "I think I did good."

"Yeah, yeah," Zale waved my my masterpiece away, "but look at this!" She pointed to the tailpipe of my SUV, "What is this Evan? Hmm? What does it look like?"

I gave her a look, "That, my dear friend, is a tailpipe, it does a thing so we don't die from car fumes."

She came to the side of the vehicle, looking straight at is from the driver's side of the car. She motioned for me to join her, "Look! Look at it! It dangles!"

"Please don't make fun of my baby, she's used and worn."

"Turn the car on!"

"Uh-uh," I declined, "not wasting any gas."

"Jesus Ev, give me the keys."

"Wh-what do you want to do with my car?" I said as I gave her the keys, "Oh my god, please don't make it run gas, I just filled it up!"

She didn't, or chose to not, hear me and started the car to where only the lights and air were on. I came up to the driver's side window and tapped on the glass, "I'm sorry officer," Zale said cooly, "was I doing something wrong? Here is my registration." She handed me my car registration.

"Christ, Zale, put that back! If we actually get pulled over-"

"They'll see our master stash of weeds and mollys, don't forget our alcohols!"

I just gave her a look, the air conditioner was on full blast, "Please turn it off, what if we get stranded!?"

"We won't."

"In all honesty, I don't think they gave me a new battery so that's probably been in the car since 2004."

"Okay, it's good I think." She cut the engine and jumped out of the vehicle, throwing me backward.

She stopped at the same spot she was at before getting in the car, "Look!" she pointed at the exhaust pipe, "It's peeing!"

In fact it was, the tailpipe was dripping condensation, it was peeing.

"Do you know what else pees?" She said excitedly.

I sighed, "I don't want to know."

"A penis!" She shouted at the top of her voice, "P-E-N-I-S"

"Okay, okay, let's not wake up the neighborhood with your penis shouts." I said, trying to keep my very old and conservitive neighbors from hearing.

"Are we ready to go?" I notioned to her as she inspected the newly established penis.

"Pff," She looked up in the sky, "I think so boopy!"

Zale and I have never dated, even though when we were in 5th grade I asked her out. She shot me down like an anti-aircraft gun does to a bomber. But it's fine now, we have no sexual tensions. We'd call each other babe, boo, and boopy for no exact reason at all, we were just close like that.

"Let's get on the road then," I nodded at her, I would be driving first, if I got a headache or tired she would take over.

She nodded back and closed the truck as I got into the driver's seat and turned on the engine. She wouldn't give at first but after two tries she finally caved. "Engine problems?" Zale asked.

"No," I said as the engine engaged and I switched into reverse, "battery problems."