I slipped through the weekend without doing much really. Leena came over, my friend that is basically my sister. She always does though. I tried to forget that Xavier hadn't text me back. He didn't want to. He had seen my desperate plea for affection, my "heyy" but he wasn't interested. So I drowned in my own filth on Saturday. I never left my bed, in my pyjamas with my greasy hair and slippers on. I didn't wash my face or brush my teeth. I had given up on attempting to distract myself with making plans, I had run out of energy and motivation. I had written too many papers this week and my brain was numb. I couldn't control my temper and I was angry at myself, for having feelings. But somehow it was all worth it. When he smiled at me from across the room, laughing at the same jokes made in class that I was laughing at too. I knew he didn't care, and honestly I didn't care much about anything these days but I couldn't move on. I couldn't move on from him, but I also couldn't be with him, no matter how hard I tired. He didn't care about me, and I wasn't angry at him for that. It wasn't his fault but somehow it was mine. Why I resulted in loosing the will to give a damn I'm not sure. I think everyone was though, it was an 11 week term with a teacher I was beginning to dislike more and more as my patience grew less and less. With friends that were flaking at the seams, sleeping at breaktime and not caring enough to text first and try and organise things. So I spun rapidly in a state of unwanted carelessness that made me sad because nobody wanted to talk to me, unappreciated because I was the only one making an effort and sick of everything because honestly I was. Sick of my feelings mostly but also in a state of denialed understanding of why my friends were not caring. I knew it wasn't personal but it felt like it. I pinned all my escapable hopes on the weekend and a day off I had this upcoming week where some friends and I could attend hands on lectures at the local university. Then it was going to be 2 weeks without school and a lot of me is believing that that won't be enough time to piece my world back together. To gain lost energy and for my friends to honestly sort their shit out too. Because now in my unusually sad and messy world Xavier was still an angel, and I kind of hate him for that.
