Heartfelt Rematch (BL)

Prologue

"You know yourself. You know yourself too well. And that's why you hate yourself. Why you hate loving someone else."

A boy is sitting in the dark. He's looking for the stars, but there aren't any. The night is dark and merciless. He doesn't mind, really. He hadn't expected much else.

There are no sounds. Like there is no life around him. There are hardly any birds — then again, there shouldn't be. Not at this hour. It's like the entire world has fallen asleep, and only he remains awake. It is surprisingly comforting, watching the planet in its slumber. As if he is its guardian. Sitting by the bed, watching over it, making sure its sleep is a peaceful one. He wonders what that's like.

He has tried to deny it. Tried to hate those accusations. Tried to call them lies.

He failed. They cut right through his shield.

He's always been good at lying, even to himself. But, just like those words said, somewhere he's always been aware of it. And yes, he does hate himself for that. He wants to lie even better. He wants to decide who he is, to invent his own person, but he can't. He knows himself through and through, and he's rarely happy with that knowledge.

He thinks about going back. To the time where he hadn't heard this. Where these words didn't haunt him. But maybe he needs them. They hurt, even now, long after they've hit him in the chest. But he needs to remember them, to remember the truth. Maybe he even needs it to hurt.

-

"You don't want to know. You thought you did, you thought you had to. But now you hate knowing. And you hate him for making you know."

The boy shakes his head, as if to deny it. They are words from a time that has long since slipped through his fingers, but they're always there, hissing in his ears. He doesn't want them there. He doesn't want them anywhere. Lies, that's all it is. That's all it has to be.

That's all they can be.

He continues walking. Walking set his mind free. He used to run sometimes, but running makes him drowsy, and he wants his free mind as clear as possible.

Those words can't be true. Because if they are, it means he's a liar. It would mean he's broken something valuable. It would mean he's a traitor. He wants none of those things to be true, but maybe they are.

It is true he doesn't want to know all the things he knows. Like he doesn't want to know these words might be true.

He wants to forget everything.

He wants to know nothing. A blank mind. A clean slate.

But he can't do that. It wouldn't be fair.

He promised to know, and to keep that knowledge. He's already failed at so many other things. He has to keep strong. Even if he does hate that, he has no choice. This is the only thing left to cling to, so he hugs it like a life jacket. Like it's the only thing keeping his breath from getting slammed out of him. The only thing keeping him up when around him the world is drowning.