Just Bent

Chapter Fourteen

The clouds were violet, wisps of hanging fog that drifted across a pale sky. It wasn't raining anymore, just windy, left over rain drops still running tracks down the window pane. In the far off distance, blooming on the frothy horizon, was overwhelming yellow light. It dimmed every minute that I stared out into it, the day that had barely showed up, dipping into a chilly night. 

The breeze through the crack in my window was unusually cold all day for late June, hence the hoodie and track pants I was wearing. I was sprawled out across my bed, staring up at the ceiling, tossing a hacky-sack into the air and catching it.

The house was uncommonly quiet. Mom had gone out with a couple of her friends and Molly was at a sleep over, leaving me to my own devices for the first time in months. Usually Saturday nights were filled with the chatter of either Molly or Mom on the phone with friends, the television murmuring something romantic and dramatic, the kettle whistling. Even when it rained, it felt like the gloom of a cloudy day didn't seep inside with the two of them only a room away. But tonight the blue gloom of the sky, the chill of the wind, the darkness of a missing moon was able to reach me. Even with the warm glow of my lamp, splashing orange across the walls, like they'd been bathed in sunlight. I was distinctly aware that it was artificial.

My wrist paused mid swing, the hacky-sack caught at the edge of my finger tips, memories tripping over themselves in my head as I watched the shadow of my hand on the wall. It had been a night like this when Haley and I had first given into the simmering energy that had finally burst between us. Rainy early spring weather. We'd twined our hands together that night, holding it up in the lamp light, watching them writhe together like we'd done moments before...

Her ghost giggled when I let it, her scent a haunting linger that teased me for a moment and then disappeared when I gave into searching for it in my sheets. I couldn't even picture her face in my mind anymore; I couldn't. I remembered vaguely that, that night had started the way all nights ended. We'd been at Macs. I'd been choking back water, cause I wouldn't touch beer. Couldn't touch beer, ever. She had been tucked in the corner with Jordin and Linsey; they'd been giggling. Mac and Tommy and Nate and I had been sitting around. Tommy had been talking about this girl from school. Linda Hartley. She was shy. She smiled like Molly. I'd been mad because Tommy was talking about her in the most vulgar way... way's I'd known I'd talked about girls before. Way's I'd thought about Haley when I got so lonely I couldn't think straight... when I couldn't convince myself to hook up for the sake of hooking up with someone else...

I had no right to be mad, but I was mad. I didn't know why. But I was so, so mad. That mad had turned into pissed and then downright angry when Mac started chiming in. When Haley had heard and made a scene about it. He'd called her a name I couldn't bare to think. I'd been in some other time listening to their voices rises, Mac's a slurred mess, Haley's a teary train wreck heading towards hysteria. Jordin trying to calm her down, her lilting voice just pissing Mac off some more. And then Nathan's voice had jumped in telling Mac to back off.

"Have some respect." He'd said.

I should have thought about that when I had insisted I was taking Haley home. When I had insisted Mac needed to cool off. When I wiped the tears from Haley's face before helping her climb into the front seat. When I had allowed her hands to undo my jeans. When her teeth cut into my bottom lip when her desperation mingled with mine and we tore at each other in my drive way. When I found myself in a haze, being lead up the stairs to my room for a second round.....

"Cole... You make me feel... so different."

There. I could remember her face now. Flushed, eyes glowing, laying next to me, fingers playing with the chain I'd warn that night. She'd looked up at me, with her chin propped on my chest. Her smile titled in a watery, sweet way that made my chest hurt.

"You make me feel safe."

"Have some respect, Cole."

Where was Nathan's voice then? Where was it now when I missed her? I shouldn't miss her. But I hadn't heard from her in two weeks. A lot happened in two weeks.

Loneliness descended on me, suffocating and all consuming. The room felt empty but like it was closing in on me. Cold and yet stifling. There were no more friends to reach out to now. No one to talk to anymore, and the isolation felt like banishment. I felt like apart of my life that I had always counted on to keep me grounded, counted on as an outlet, had been ripped out of my life leaving a gaping hole in its wake.

Tommy's allegiance fell with the stronger man, that was just a fact about who he was. He sided with the party who he could sense would come out on top. And who could blame him when it came to Mac?

Nathan was Switzerland; he wouldn't choose sides, but that made him unapproachable. I didn't want to make him choose, but I wanted him to choose. What Mac did was wrong. Couldn't he see that? He should just choose me. But he wouldn't, and that hurt in a way that made me feel weak... exposed... vulnerable. No. I couldn't go to him. Haley was a wind that blew hot and cold and that just... wasn't an option anymore. I had to give her space to make the choices she was going to make, even if I wanted so bad to be her...

Her what?

Her hero.

The word tasted sour on my tongue, burned the neurones in my brain when the thought fired off. I would never be anyone's hero.

"Don't be like Dad, Cole... Please."

I hadn't ever felt so sick of my own presence before, but at that moment I hated the sound of my own thoughts. I needed out. I hadn't needed out so bad since that night so long ago... I needed out or the itch in my veins would overtake me and I would loose my mind.

Before I could breathe, before I could even think, my phone was in my hand and I was searching for a name that I had just added. My finger didn't even hesitate when I clicked the button and my screen lit up with her name and number. The motion for my thumb to click the speaker phone on was automatic, and as I did her voice filled my room, echoing off the walls, ricocheting into my skull, stunning me. It was then I realized what I'd done.

"Hello?" She called out to me again and I felt both a distinct relief and a numbing panic hit me.

"Hi." My throat felt gummy and I cleared it with a rumble that made me wince. My hand flew to my neck, scratching desperately at the nape. I probably looked blotchy as hell.

"Cole?" She sounded amused and that tightened the knot in my gut even further.

"Yeah."

...A long moment passed and then she was laughing.

"Did you butt dial me or something?" I couldn't help but smile.

"No. Sorry."

"That's okay. Sup?"

And there was that gnawing feeling again. What was I in middle school? But I hadn't had to make friends in a long time... I forgot what it felt like to be rejected by peers... I'd always been good at conversing with classmates because having a group of friends made me reckless... I didn't have to care what other people thought because they had my back- I felt sick.

"I was wondering what you were doing tonight. If you'd like to hang out."

"Oh my god! Yes! I am so bored. Grandpa is in his room reading the same as every night and I'm stuck watching this lame ass movie on the history channel and I'm dying!! Save meeeee."

"I can come pick you up if you want?"

"Sure. How long do you think it'll take for you to get here?"

"I dunno-" I glanced at the clock, "maybe fifteen minutes?"

"Okay, call me when you're outside."

"Okay."

"See you in a bit!"

And then she hung up and I was left sitting on my bed, staring at my phone. Staring at my call history, with Kaye's name taking up the first slot on the list. I was reeling at how simple it had been to just pick up the phone and call her. How quickly she had agreed to hang out. I stood and slipped on my shoes, after changing into a clean t-shirt and shorts, throwing a hoodie over both, and slipping my phone and wallet into my pockets. Grabbing my truck keys I was out the door, locking it behind me.