Final goodbye.

..

You really hurt me you know? Mentally, emotionally and physically. Worse part is I don't even think you realised what you have done to me fully. 
I act like I'm okay and I'm strong but every time I see you I have to but on a brave front because if I don't I will break down in front of you. And I refuse to let that happen. I refuse to let you see me hurt ya know.
You broke me. And I let you. I know we were never going to last forever I knew you would never choose me, but I still stayed. And I broke. I broke so badly I don't think I can piece myself back together. Even now, after a year of not speaking you still have this hold on me and I hate you for it. But more importantly I hate myself for letting you do this to me.

I should have walked away as soon as I found out you had a girlfriend. As soon as I realised I was nothing more than a bit of fun for you. But you wasn't just fun for me.
I stayed throughout all the arguments, throughout all the pain and the tears and the sleepless nights. I fell for you and I fell hard. I even told you this. And you lied to me saying how I had to prove this to you to make this work. Why lie to me?

I tried to walk away, I tried to just be friends with you! And you wouldn't let me? Why wouldn't you let me walk away. Did you want to keep me so you could use me when ever you wanted? No I'm sorry it doesn't work like that.
I thought being cold and sleeping with men would help me get over you, oh how I was wrong. So fucking wrong. It doesn't help, it may fill the emptiness for a while but it doesn't help. And trust me I learnt the hard way.

Even when you left her you still didn't choose me. Why didn't you chose me? Was I not good enough for you, pretty enough for you?

You slept with two of my best friends, but I couldn't say shit because we weren't together! And worse of all, turns out my best friends were sly too because they didn't tell me. Now they can't even look at me, some best friends right.

But you know what? I think the worse thing you did to me was leave me when I needed you the most. I was pregnant. And you left.
You said we were going to do this together, even though I was in college and confused you said you'd come to the appointment with me. Be there for me. Where were you.
Where were you when I miscarried and cried on the floor on my manager office for hours while I clung on to him thinking this should have been you. You should have been with me, not my manager, regardless of whether we were close or not.

But you know what, I cried, I re-did my make up, I sorted my pathetic little head out and I got straight back to work, even with you there I worked my arse off and pretended that I was okay.

I'm not okay. Even now I'm not okay. But I will be. And that is all that matters right now. I know that one day I will be okay, and that you were just a small part of my life  you are just a person who has made me into the person I am today.

Yes I may be insecure, cold at times, and still broken. But I am also compassionate, I love hard and I am a good fucking nurse (in training). I did what you said I wouldn't to. I'm not a drop out, I will be successful! I will fix my self, not yet but I will.

I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being a part of my life. I do not regret anything. As I don't believe I would be the person I am today without you being there and hurting me.

I hope you do find someone someday, and I hope she treats you right. I know I should wish for the fact she should treat you how you treated me. But I honestly don't wish upon anyone. Not even you.

So I guess this is my goodbye letter. Not that I'm going anywhere. Just away from you. You're my poison. And I don't need any toxic in my life right now. I'm trying to be happy. I have amazing friends, family, and a successful career to come. And I'm happy right now, well as happy as I can be.
So yes this is everything that I could never say to you, because you cut all contact from me.

I will say this. As a girl, I need closure. A lot of us do. You cannot leave someone with over 3 years worth of time, effort and love without closure. It doesn't work like that.