Months passed, days went by and I was loving life, I was experiencing that movie kind of happiness. I relied on it, and that was to be my down fall, to much of what you love can be bad for you and of course I never knew that, I'd never experienced this before, I wasn't to know.
I started to want more, I was becoming a brat. Not in the sense that I had to get my own way, not at all like that. I just wanted more... happiness. I had so much of it already but I was like an addict, satisfied for a while but at the end of the day I would always want more.
Cam was the first one to notice, he didn't say anything for a while until he had to rain me in. Every night I would be out doing something with someone and I'd come back knackered, wake up and go through a while day relying on caffeine. I know, how could this be the perfectness I've been describing? It was though, it was because I didn't realize what it was doing to me, I'd gotten into this swing of things where that's how it was and all I really thought about was how much fun I was having and whether or not I had gotten enough pictures for a new facebook album.
I'd been spending less and less time with Cam because I was in so many different social groups that I was going between them, really not getting to spend enough time with any one except Ellie who stuck by my side no matter what. The time I was spending with Cam was as great as it ever had been, he was the only one I was really able to be myself with, I could relax with him. The thing was we both wanted more, our relationship had come to a pause because we were spending no time working on our relationship, only time maintaining it.
"Baby..." He said to me as we lay on my bed together, I was slipping into unconsciousness quickly- I was exhausted as usual. "Don't sleep." I grounded but leaned up and propped myself on my elbow so it would be to uncomfortable for me to even think about sleeping.
"Yes honey." I said quietly.
"Where is this going?" he asked with a pained tone, I looked into his eyes to see the concern, it almost broke my heart, he didn't think it was going anywhere.
I sat up completely and looked down at my bed with my legs crossed.
"Don't get upset baby," he rubbed my neck, "I love you, I just, I hate to see what... what you're doing to yourself."
Confusion crossed me; I turned to look at him not quite understanding where he was coming from. What I was doing to myself? Did I think I was hurting myself, self harming, what? "What are you talking about? " He didn't answer. "I don't know what you mean."
He sighed stood up and walked across the room as if he needed time to think about how to put something. Another sigh was released, "You're wearing yourself out, its 8:30, you were about to sleep... you don't see it do you?" He didn't wait for a response, "No, of course you don't... look at this," He pointed to the wall in my room covered in photographs, me surrounded by people I'd met in only the last few months, as if we were best friends... so many friends.
I did see what he saw, at least now anyway, the evidence was surrounding me. "You just, you're wasting away, getting skinnier and skinnier and all you seem to care about is, living every moment." He shook his head, "I know I mean you should and all but just not the way you've been doing it, who here are you actually true friends with, who of these people actually knows you except Ellie?" He had made his point.
I could feel my self becoming defensive, Cam was preparing for it, I saw it in his eyes but I squashed that need to be that defensive, I couldn't wreck things with Cam; or at least not ruin thinks further.
"Help me." I whispered. "I just want it to be me and you again." He hadn't expected this; he was prepared for an argument, so his look softened some what. "I want to be with you."
"You are with..." he realized how I'd said it. I'd silenced him.
I was holding him with his shirt in my hands and began to kiss him seductively. I don't know how I had managed to go from exhaustion to confusion, to defensive to wanting sex, something I thought I wasn't ready for.
Between kisses I pulled my shirt up over my head and revealed my lacy pink and black bra, he looked at me and sighed pulling away. "You don't have to do this."
"I want to do this."
"But I don't have... you know."
"So what? It's one time it won't matter." He raised his eyebrow at me, "I promise nothing is going to happen." I wasn't getting anywhere, I would have to use other methods, "Don't you want this... don't you want me?" I asked sweetly. Guilt; that would work.
"Of course I want you!" I took this as a go ahead and moved back in. He pulled away once again.
"What's stopping you?" I asked even more innocent then the time before.
"Nothing." He was suddenly confident and assured.
It was amazing, it was amazing because I loved him and I wanted to do it with him, I wanted him to be the one I would lose my virginity to. I just didn't want to now, and I knew it before we started, and during the sex. He was good though, thoroughly enjoyable, it was magically, but it wasn't everything I had hoped for.
He left around 12, he seemed different, he wasn't upset but he just... well his expression wasn't readable.
I had to clean up my act.
