Our Story

Perfect

Thursday, 14 April 2016
Why now? Why, just when I thought life was going to give me a break from complications, does this happen? Of course, it would have been a whole lot simpler if I'd said 'no' when she asked me out, and just left it at that, but no. See, I couldn't just walk away. Not just because I'm a people pleaser, and I wanted to make her happy, but because I felt something, and it was real; is real. It's different to how I felt with him, and I don't know what to do with these feelings.
I didn't give her an answer for five days. I mean, it's high school, how probable is it that relationships will last anyway, and if it doesn't last, is it worth loosing friends over? I was so scared, still am in a way, that mum and dad are going to find out. I've disappointed them so much already, and I'm afraid of letting them down again. Eventually, I thought; if me and Josie were alone on this planet, and she asked me out, would I say yes. And my answer was immediately and definitely yes. I figure that if friends that have known me for seven or eight years can't accept me for who I am, then they shouldn't be my closest friends. I can't live my whole life for the approval of others. Although I understand that in theory, it still scares me.
On that note, we held hands for the first time today. We were walking to rehearsal, across the park, and there was no one else there. She turns to me, and says "my hands are cold. They never get cold. It's strange," and so I reach to feel her hands. My heart was honestly beating so fast, I was just like, I know what's going to happen now, I can't stop it, and I dont want to. And it was the simple. She took my hand. There was a slight tension, not awkward, just nervousness which was understandable on both sides, as I know she's never done anything like that, and I never have with a girl. But then, of course, she knew what to do, and she just starts skipping, singing, and dragging me with her. It was amazing, and just proved to me even more how perfect she is.
We were fine after that, we just chatted normally, and it was easy. I started getting nervous when we started walking along the road, but she didn't let go, and in truth I didn't want her to. We were nearing the auditorium when Malakai and Josiah came running down the path; and Josiah's just like "THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS!!! MY SHIP IS HOLDING HANDS!!" because of course, he's taking credit for us. I love him so much, just for being so accepting and showing me that there are people like that, he's just making this whole thing alot easier.
Josie kept hold of me when we walked into the foyer, it's seperated from the area we practice in by solid doors, which were closed, and there was no one else out there. We were both a bit hesitant to go in; part of me wanted to just kiss her right then, but I know it's a bit soon for that. The other part of me was just like omg, is she expecting me to walk in there, where there's other people, while still holding her hand? I don't know what I wanted, but I think I'm happy with my decision to let go. I'm not ready for that yet.
I feel really selfish, looking back on it now. But it's going to take me a bit of time to get used to this. Until I'm ready to give everything for her, I won't kiss her. If it wasn't her first kiss, I'd probably go for it as it isn't mine, but if I'm going to take her first kiss, I want it to mean something, I want to be someone stable, someone who will be there.
I wanted to at least hug her tonight though. We were sooo close, too. I'd been hoping all night that it was going to end in a hug, but no, the parents had to turn up right on time.
I know she wanted it too though, just as I was about to go, she whispered, "I was going to give you a discreet hug, but I'm not discreet..." which made me laugh, because she's definitely not! We were texting after, though, and she said she swore on her life that I'd get my hug next time.
I hope I do, and I hope we'll be fine. I'm slightly worried, because I'm not going to see her for two weeks of the school holidays since I'm going away, and alot can happen in two weeks. I think, no matter how cheesy it sounds, the emptiness that I feel when I think of two weeks without her is proof enough that we should be together.
She makes me happy.
I'm scared of falling in love.