A Gentleman's Kiss

Confusion

What is confusion? I guess it’s when you can’t decide on something. Or even point your finger at it to identify what confuses you. I’ve really got my mind boggling for several days already and it’s not doing me any good.

It started Thursday last week. That day I was able to write all I’ve felt while I was on my break time.

I can’t deny this giddy feeling inside me. I haven’t felt this genuinely happy for quite some time. Yes I’ve had a happy and fun summer. I’ve also had a surprisingly happy birthday. But now this, this is something unexpectedly pleasant.

I never thought I’d be able to detach from my ex. In terms of communication and reliance on him, I was pretty much in big trouble trying to avoid him at all costs. Maybe also because I still had feelings for him, although I perfectly know I should stop and ignore whatever feelings still left in me. I eventually need to forget and move on with my life.

And life caught me by surprise, had I really moved on from what happened?

I never thought I’d be very much attracted to any guy. I’ve been falling in and out of fancy quite fast, as fast as I’d change my underwear and hairstyle.

 Yes I’ve cut my hair for about three times within a single month. And now it’s really extremely short. I can’t understand myself really, I seem to be dissatisfied of my life and I can’t point a finger on it if I’m bored or really just uninspired.

Surprisingly, cutting my hair short felt like liberation; was it just subconscious? Had I really been dragged down by black waterfalls? I really couldn’t understand myself, because from the moment I saw my extremely short hair, I felt carefree and happy. My long hair had been very much attractive to the opposite sex. It also takes at least five years from my real age, which wasn’t really a compliment. It was a big hassle for my profession.

People rarely take me as a serious professional. People always see me as a kid that is still irresponsible and needs to be reprimanded and guided all the time.

As I’ve previously written, I’ve been attracted the previous month to a certain guy. But since the event, we’ve been just friends. Not really close though. We might share the same locker, share pens and other stuff. But he seems too aloof to be a close friend. I guess that is his personality, I’m still a female after all although most of the time I keep forgetting that I am a girl. Most of the time I think I’m one of the boys.

Here at my current workplace there aren’t much people to talk and get close with. After the first guy, I’ve also been attracted to a second guy who guy closer to me. He’s an aspiring lawyer, and somehow needed help with his writing skills. For no reason, I really wanted to help him.

Law was very interesting for me, and he was also a very interesting man. We spent time together talking about random stuff. We greet one another casually when we meet outside, more casual for acquaintances. I’m really playful and cheerful in nature, well, that was the attitude and mask I’ve set for myself at this workplace. Maybe this was the effect of having too many gay friends: I’ve somehow imitated their attitude and even their language. Most people might be shocked if they hear me talking in gay lingo I’ve heard and remembered from my co-workers. But eventually, my interest in him died in the natural course of the days. He was really too busy with his studies and I have no intentions of disturbing him.

So now came in the new guy! At first, I hardly noticed him. I think I have to apologize to him some time, for I thought he was one of the random haphazard uncaring guys I usually meet and ignore. But no! I was really mistaken. He isn’t that handsome, but he’s very much appealing. He’s sexy in a way I can’t explain. If he could emanate smoke to make his hotness obvious, he’d be like the Sistine Chapel chimney when a new Pope has been elected.