A Shout To The Blue [IchiKara/KaraIchi]

Chapter Two - I Care

"Karamatsu, come here." Osomatsu tells me.

"O-Osomatsu... How did you--" I wanted to ask but as soon as I did, he cut ofd my sentence. "I'm the oldest brother, of course I know what goes on." He smiles at me.

"You don't have to worry about the charges, we'll deal with that. For now, you deserve the right to mourn." He tells me.

How is he so calm? I guess he just bottles everything up. I found myself standing up from where I was, I didn't even think, I just went on and hugged him tight. Tears continues to flow from my eyes and I honestly don't know what I will do. Death isn't a thing you can run away from but that doesn't mean I will be ready to accept it. Did Ichimatsu expect this already? Did Ichimatsu want this to happen? I honestly don't know.

~~~

After some days or maybe weeks, here we are. Ichimatsu's funeral.

Everyone was dressed while I-- I don't want to watch Ichimatsu's coffin get lowered there.

"Karamatsu nii san, are you sure you don't want to come?" Todomatsu asks me with eyes filled with concern.

"Hey, Karamatsu nii san, didn't you promise you'll be next to Ichimatsu nii san's side till the end?" Jyushimatsu said.

"DON'T ACT AS IF THIS ISN'T PAINFUL FOR ME." I snapped, my eyes widens and I gnashed my teeth.

Before I knew it, everyone was looking at me. All eyes on me and Jyushimatsu's typical smile faded away. I can sense Todomatsu's worry for us. It's funny how everyone only notices you when you're raging.

"S-Sorry, Jyushimatsu. I'll be staying here. Don't worry." I couldn't look into anyone's eye. I felt so ashamed even though it was him who pushed my buttons, but of course, you have to say it's your fault because everyone thinks everyone else is an angel and thinks of you as the fuck up and no one would care if it was you who was getting hurt.

I watched them leave the house one by one. Osomatsu left the last but he turned back to look at me. He raised his thumb which was his way of asking "Are you going to be okay?" And I tried to smile for him as a "Yeah".

I was alone in the house. For the first time.

I walked to our shared room for the six of us and locked the door. I sit back and hug my legs, thinking about what would happen if Ichimatsu was here.

Ichimatsu would always stay inside, we'd have small talks from time to time, sometimes he tells me how he feels, or at least, I force him to.

"I think I'm better off alone, to be honest. Having other people is a pain. Sometimes too dramatic as well. They wouldn't understand."

Ichimatsu's words stings me. I would understand. Make me understand. I have always been trying to know you even better but you won't let me in, I understand you have reasons but it's as if I'm just waiting for something I know I'll never get. Are you afraid to let me in because you think I'll hurt you? No, I won't. The reason why I want to understand you is because I want to help you. I want you to smile.

But I will never be able to see that smile ever again.

The feeling is heavy, it's like my chest wants to be ripped out. I want to cry and yell, but I know it won't do shit, so why even. Ichimatsu's death is not planned, it was an accident. I want justice for him but who can I blame? It was me who forced him to have a walk with me. I just wanted to be by his side. All I wanted was to see him smile, to make him laugh.

And this is what I get.

"Ichimatsu..." I said his name. Fuck, I don't know why I did that. It just came out.

But maybe, I can voice out what I want to say? I don't know, I must be going bat shit crazy.

"If you can hear me, I just wanted to say thank you for everything. For appreciating my ways and for telling me you don't really hate me. It's hard without you here. When you left, you took my heart with you. I'm sorry for being a useless fuck. I didn't know what I could do, all I could do was hug you tight even if I could feel you shoving me away." I looked at the ceiling as if it was the heavens.

"GET AWAY FROM ME, SHITTYMATSU!!" Ichimatsu said as he pushes me harshly.

The landing hurt my leg a little, I tried to crawl through it and I hugged him tight, not caring if he is still pushing me away.

"Please, just let me be here for you. Let me understand you, Ichimatsu I care about you. You've always been alone for God knows how long and I just want to let you know that you aren't alone. You don't have to be alone." I could feel my tears rolling down.

Ichimatsu grabs me by the collar, but not breaking the hug. I could feel him calming down a little, but the rage is still there.

"I don't need you... I don't need anyone..." I could feel him crying as well. But this is fine. At least I have him in my arms.

My flashbacks of Ichimatsu attacks me at the worst moments. Goddamnit. Ichimatsu always did stuff alone, he tries to help but he loses confidence in himself easily. The stuff Ichimatsu did for me and for everyone else, he did alone. I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to let him know that he doesn't have to trap himself. But I was so useless, I couldn't even find the words to comfort him. What kind of a brother am I?

I spot my mirror that I use everyday to adore how I look, I walk towards it and pick it up to see how I am right now. Pathetic. I always was pathetic.

I sigh deeply, maybe I should've had went to the funeral? I don't know, but I'm doing it anyways. I grab my leather jacket and went outside, am I prepared to face this? I don't know as well. But for Ichimatsu, I'll do it.

Because I care about him too much.