excerpts from books i'll never write // b.b.

1

"Before she was gone, i never truly appreciated her beauty. And now when i look back at our old photographs, our old videos, I never noticed her eyes. How they sparkle every time she laughs or smiles despite the dark bags under her  eyes and the way her nose crinkles. All I cared back then was how I looked, man. I loved myself a little too much that it blinded me. I failed to see that she loved me too much that she forgot she needed a little love for herself too.

all this time i thought i was the only one hurting, i was the only one who cared so much that i never even considered her feelings, too. Those times when she needed me because she needed reassurance or when her anxiety was acting up, i didn't fucking help her fight it. Its my job to help her through times like that. And i never appreciated how she handled me when my anxiety was acting up, too. On nights when i miss her, i tell her how much i love her and i'd cry and she's wipe my tears and she'd reassure me that she's mine. But when it comes to her I just nod and say "alright" and i even told her she's over reacting. I failed to see she was already breaking inside and that she need me. She needed my love.

I admit it, there are times when she's gone over the edge but she just cared too much, man. She cared so much. She gets worried about me. And i? Well, i get fucking mad when shes acting like that even when i know she only cares. Fuck, man. Now she's gone. I can never forgive myself."

-the words i wanted to hear from him