I can't believe it. I'm actually.. Going to go through with it this time. I've tried countless times before, but never, have I come so close. I never saw myself coming to this. I don't want to be dead... But I feel like it's my only way to escape.
How could I stay living, knowing I'm missing half of myself? I don't want to live half alive.. I don't want to live lonely. Lifeless.. Loveless.. Heartless.. What kind of person is that? I can stay, I know that. But who wants to stay, just to be smacked around like they're meaningless? Just another living being.. Who doesn't matter. One more face in the crowd, searching for the one thing they'll never again have.
To my left, my pen and papers sit. Those are the last words the world will ever have from me. My suicide note. I ripped my heart out, and glued it to those pages. All the pain, the grief, the mourning.. Can be found in those words. You can even count the spots where my tears stained the pages.. You can see where I changed some little word. Not that you'll ever know what was there before it was erased and re-written. I can imagine my mother's face when she finds my fragile self lifeless on the floor. I wish I didn't have to bring myself to this. I truly do, but I can't stay on this earth anymore. It's much too painful.
Will he even care? I bet it won't phase him that I'm gone... Why would it? He's gone, now and forever more. Each day, I look to him, seeking the boy I know and love underneath this new person, but whenever he looks back.. his eyes pass over me, as if I'm a complete stranger. How can he do that so carelessly? I find myself up all the night long.. Thinking, wondering, asking for a small smile. A little head nod; just an acknowledgement that he knows I'm alive. How could this not hurt him?
Some may think that I'm being hasty about this.. That I'm just an overdramatic teenager, but I've waited 6 long months.. And nothing. I expected the pain to fade away, long ago. Why can't I be numb; emotionless.. But instead, I'm damned to be imprisoned in a broken heart.
Well.. While you sit back, trying to take this in. I want you all to know, this here... these words, are what I'd like to call my suicide note. I'm writing this, because I couldn't take it anymore. I can't wrap my mind around everything that's happened, and after this is finished, I'll never have to. I've thought long and hard about this. This is what I want. Exactly what I need.
And if you're reading this.. You should know: I'm dead. I'm gone, and there's no bringing me back. My body sits lifeless somewhere.. And while I make look like I'm finally in peace.. There's no such thing. My soul will be carried over with me to the next world.. The next life, depending on who you ask. And all that pain? It will surely follow. I'm damned to an eternity of restlessness... I've been welcomed to my new home. A little place called hell.
