There are times when I feel the need to give up and I am stuck in a battle with my mind and I am just completely lost. I hate attention but at the same time, I love it. I push people away but want so badly for someone to show me that they care enough to stay. It is so hard for me to answer normal questions. I drag myself down to bring myself up. In other words, I insult myself in front of people that care about me so they will compliment me. I am not an attention whore! Some people handle their problems differently. I push everyone away, yet I get attached so easily. I am accepting, yet I cannot love myself. I want to get away but I will miss my family. I want to embrace who I think I am, yet I don't want to disappoint my family or go against my religion (Christianity). I cut but I do not find relief. I cry but I don't not feel any better after the fact. My body aches. I want to be accepted and loved. I hate myself. My family has problems. My older brother is a drug addict, my older sister lost her virginity at age 15, my mother complains of a new "disability" every day, my father has a new family that treats me differently than the others; he is not around much but I know he wishes he could be. My step mother controls him. When I am left somewhere, waiting for a ride home, she answers my calls and tells me that it is not her job to act as a step mother to me. My biological mother is poor and lacking a job but she is too "disabled" to go out and find one. Through all of this, I want to come out on top and I want to be as successful as possible. I want to live my dream of becoming a singer but at the same time, I feel like it is impossible. Hopeless. More than anything though, I want to be happy. It is impossible...
