Real

9.

It's air. It's literally air or something like brushstrokes. It's like the x-ray is taken for a painting or some exerting metropolitan gas in the air. Why did the doctor say that it was fine? After seeing that I feel that really I don't have anything inside of me.

They put me back onto my bed and the nurse takes me, rolling my bed around the hallways. Aah, I wonder when I'm going to be free of these hallucinations.

I go back to my room and I for a change don't find my mom sitting there. More me time I guess.

Lets just go back to sleep now, why don't we?

*

I wake up to the lights flashing on my face for cleanup. As I cant take a shower because of the severe injury.

'Can you make me sit on the chair?' I ask after the nurse puts some clothes on me.

'Whatever you want.' She says with a smile and calls up one other nurse for some help.

I wait and finally the other nurse comes in and they both lift me struggling but accomplish putting me on the chair. I like here because its a thicker sponge, and my legs should get some moving once in a while, which they don't. I wonder from how many days I haven't seen the real brightness. I flip a little bit of curtain to take a peek on the sunlight, but as I put my on the outside, I get poked by something. I look back in the room but theres nothing there except for sheer darkness. I look back outside and the suns gone. I can see gloomy clouds and hear sounds of thunder. I think that I don't even get to wish for hope of brightness in my life anymore now.

I'm reading this book right now, paranormal, I think I'm getting into books. They make you feel something else, like you are actually a part of something. I figured how people can change because of a change. There is this one paragraph in this book that kind of haunts me, but its so satisfying to the soul that I just keep reading it.

"I feel like I have been taken now. Its the end of me. I can feel the hands that are taking me away. They are taking me away. They're slimy, filled with grease, like poking holes in my legs. Its fear that I'm feeling. I know I'm gone and there is no one, that makes it easier, fear is what I'm feeling right now. Fear is the disease I have right now." That is what. I just read that aloud.

I feel like it's trying to to make a quote of some kind but I cant point it out. It's
fulfilling. Its the end of the book, so its good that its fulfilling. Now that I'm into it, I cant wait to research more about these kind of books now.

I look back outside the curtain and there is a thunderstorm outside. I look back inside thinking about what my life has become and a tear falls down my eye. A big tear. And it's burning, I wipe it with my finger, and I realise that it is not water, it blood. I panic, trying to move but I cant. Now I wipe it with my shirt, struggling because I can't freaking move! I feel frustrated, and suffocated right now. I finally get my shirt up and wipe my other tear off. It's not blood anymore it's water. I feel it with my hand again, and its blood.

'Aah!' I scream to myself in the room. What is happening to me. I wish I would be dead. Why am I not dead? Death is better. Its better. But maybe I am dead. Maybe I am. Maybe this is hell. Maybe this is what it's meant to be.

I'm transitioning? What the hell does that even mean. I'm going crazy. This is painful. This is not what my life is meant to be. This is supposed to be the best year if my school. This is the worst. Worst year ever.

I try to get up and I can. My back is not hurting anymore. Again. Maybe this is real or maybe it is not. But I don't care for some reason right now. I feel weird. I feel like I want to throw stuff. Adrenaline rush. I go out. I ask a nurse where the main office is. She doesn't answer. I touch her shoulder and ask her, she doesn't answer. She's talking to someone else. I pass from in between them. Can she not see me? She cant. I try to pick up a pen from the table. I can. But I cant touch her. I can touch the pen, but I can't touch the nurse. Not fair. Can I touch the nurse with the pen? I pick the pen and poke her with it. She shrieks. I can do that. This is not logical. This is not fair. I can make contact with an object but I cant make contact with a human. What am I? Some kind of magical air is it. Maybe I am magical. Or maybe its just this world.

Suddenly I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a different person. Completely different. I feel more confident but, wrong, alive but, evil. I feel like I don't have flesh inside, I feel lighter. Maybe its just me. I'm overthinking. Or I'm not. I go to the equipment room and I see knives and injections around me. I feel wild. I grab one of the most attractive looking knives. I go back outside and find the nurse that couldn't hear me. I kind of feel angry. Why? I go back to her and poke her with the knife. No bloodshed baby. I'm innocent. She doesn't feel anything. A little harder maybe. She cries now. Some people are looking at her but she denies it. She doesn't know what's happening, does she? She looks around wondering what just happened. She's confused. Panicked. Hah, this is fun or should I say bloody fun. I'm cruel. Am I? This is weird. I'm poking her with a knife but I'm having fun. This is not me but this is me.

'Can you hear me?' I scream at her. She doesn't hear me. She doesn't. Ugh! Now you're going to hell. I stab the knife in her waist. I repeat it again and again and again till I'm satisfied. I have some blood on my hands. I can see her screaming. I can see the people helping her taking her to one of the rooms. I see people and their dedication to keep that one person alive. Reality strikes me. I drop the knife. I see the blood on the floor and panic. My back starts hurting again. I try reaching my room as soon as I can. I look back and I see the knife is not there anymore. I feel like I'm collapsing, like everything is just coming back to me. I'm crying. I'm crying blood now. I stabbed someone. Maybe even killed them. I'm a murderer. I don't know why I did it. I cant even remember most of the situation anymore. Something is taking over me. I open the room and jump on the bed trying not to scream of the pain. I killed a woman. Maybe. This is the worst. I see shadows. I see red. Everywhere. I look outside and its dark already. Its pitch black. Its all black. My life is black. Not black, its dark. Its dark. I'm a criminal, or I'm an animal. This is bad. Why me? Why did this happen with me? Am I like some chosen person to pay for my sins? No. I was a seventeen year old teenager, with a life. A life. I don't even know what should I do with myself right now. Suicide? I just made something appropriate of my school. I don't want to do it. I don't have the power or the energy. I'm a wuss. Should I run away. Alone. All alone in my life, thats better than jail. Definitely better than that. I'm doing that. I will do that.

'Hello Lucy.' I hear these words and turn to where they are coming from.

Oh.

What?