Falling

Angels Landing: 2.4 miles. She glances at the sign and begins trudging up the steep and rocky hill. This is a classic hike, and everyone who lives in the small town of Springdale, Utah has wandered these trails at least once. She chants in her head like the steady beat of a drum, don't look back, don't look back. She has made the decision, and she must follow through. She knows if she turns back, the guilt and hatred will crush her. Don't look back. Don't look back.

                                                                              - - -

It had been two years ago that her life had been destroyed. Two years ago she had realized, I do not desire to live anymore. Her thoughts shocked her, but deep down she knew she had a wish. The worst of them all; a death wish.

It had all started with a miracle. Five years ago, she was just an ordinary college student at Stanford University. One day, working a late night at the lab, she had made a shocking advance in the field of genetics. A machine, to be exact. A contraption that could splice genes so accurately that it could cure anything, from blindness to cancer.

Over time her work was recognized. It was more than just recognized, it was implemented. People all over the world benefitted from her discoveries. For a while, everything was perfect. She was famous and she had money. But most importantly, she was finally accepted by her parents, who had for so long thought she was the failure in a family of geniuses.

Then came the dark twist in her life of fantasy. In a matter of days, her reputation, her respect, and her career collapsed. Her miracle cure wasn't such a miracle anymore. The truth was, it held a terrible side effect. The machine mutated the genes so much, that after a period of time, using the cure meant death.

The rest was expected, but it still hurt every time she saw a headline on the newspaper accusing her or a letter ranting on about how much they hated her. Her parents treated her even worse, with hate and contempt rather than disappointment. All she had was her little sister, who loved her to the end.

The unexpected came later. Slowly, she developed an intense bitterness for the art of medicine. Medicine was something she had loved as a child as well throughout her years. Just the idea of being able to help those who suffered touched her heart, but she felt betrayed. How could something she held such a passion for turn on her like this? It seemed like a cruel joke the world was playing on her. But she would not be a victim of life anymore. She would end this once and for all.

                                                                           - - -

There is no more beauty in life for her anymore. She sees a lizard in the middle of the trail, basking in the late morning sun. As she nears, the lizard scampers away. Good, you should be afraid of me. I am a monster, she silently thinks in her head. All these years have passed, and she still has not forgiven herself. Has not forgiven herself for not testing the machine better, for even creating it in the first place. She knows it is all her fault.

The desolate trail leads her to a small stream crossing. She can see samples of rocks eroding away, slowly but surely. For the past years, she too has slowly been eroding, the hatred from others acting as the constant and steady stream.

After some time of walking uphill at a steady pace, her mind blanks. She thinks of nothing. It is best not to think, she tells herself. It is safest. She studies the scenery, her mind not processing anything. To some it would be beautiful and breathtaking, but she has lost her ability to find beauty in the world and nature. Ever since she was little, she had always been the optimist. Always able to see the goodness in others and the beauty of nature, even if it was a desolate desert landscape.

After her machine failed, she lost that precious ability that very few people possessed.

She looked up and saw the endless maze of switchbacks rise in the sky. They seemed to go to heaven itself, but that would make sense. She was going to Angels Landing after all, and this was her final ascent.

She started the lengthy and strenuous climb, all the while keeping her body in autopilot. Right, left, right, left. Her brain was far from autopilot, and her thoughts seemed to be going at 500 miles an hour. The switchback veered right. Don't look back. Again the switchback, this time left. This is what I came for. Another turn, this is the only solution. This is how I have to pay for my sins. No more guilt. This is worth it. No more hatred. No more problems. This is worth it...

Should I?

The question appears in her mind, sudden and sharp. She did not expect it, and quickly banishes the thought away. Before she knows, she is at the top, wishing the switchbacks went on and on forever.

The final part of the climb consists of a daring hike along a cable to Angels Landing. From this high, she can see all of Zion National Park. She carefully grips the ropes, and slowly but steadily makes her way to the summit. Her mind is numb at this point, thick with horror at what she is about to do. The darkest part of her is relishing the idea of finally being free.

She stands at the top, at the summit, and looks down. I must be at least 6,000 feet high, she muses. Then she remembers what she came here for. With a steely resolve, she puts down her day pack, walks to the edge of the cliffs, spreads her arms, closes her eyes, and jumps.

She opens her eyes, and she can see everything. Below, she can see trees, and a road snaking along. But below doesn't matter. She looks around, and the scenery catches her off guard. "It's beautiful," she whispers. The earth red color of the rocky formations, the deep blue river cascading just below her, and the green and fresh trees scattered around are truly breathtaking.

Then she thinks of Diana. Of her sweet smile. Her carefree laughter. Teaching her how to bike. The wonder in her eyes as she saw snow for the first time. The memories unleash her emotions; pain, fear, love. Tears escape. She never deserved a terrible sister like me. But she knows it is too late, and there is no way to stop. She was selfish until the very end. "Perhaps I deserve to die like this," she whispers. With one last scream, she hits the ground.

Some choices are permanent.