Goodbye Caleb

I will completely break down

Writing this story gets me nervous sometimes. i really don't want to screw this up. This chapter is the one leading to Calebs funural. :/

I woke up. Immidately regretting it. Today.
I look at my clock. It's 9:53am.
Great, Emily is here in 7 minutes.
I look at the pile of black clothes on my chair.
I don't want to go. I will completely break down in front of everyone. I know it and probably everyone knows that's going to happen.
I crawl under my blankets.
I want to hide here forever.
I take in the scent of the grey sweater I am still wearing. It is my favorite smell ever. It's what I used to smell when I hugged him and the same smell as when you walked into his cabin or when he was holding me as we fell asleep or when I was cold and he gave me his sweater, or when he breathed in my neck when we were sleeping, or when we had sex, or when we kissed..

again my thoughts are interrupted by the doorbell.
I come from under the blankets, but before I can yell my standard 'it's open!' sentence, Emily already appears in my room.
"How are you today?" She asks.
"I can't figure out yet" I tell her.
"That's okay." She says.
She sits down.
"You look like shit." She says.
"Thanks."
"Shouldn't you take a shower?"
"I tried that earlier this week and it didn't work out so well." I say , looking down.
"Oh yeah I remember, Alison told me about that."
"Is she going to be there today?" I ask.
"I'm not sure."
It's silent for a while.
My stomic growls.
"How long ago did you eat, Han?" Emily asks in concern.
I don't say anything.
"Seriously Han, how long ago?" She tries again.
"I think like two days ago, Alison made me soop."
"Hanna that's not okay, you have to eat!"
"Well I Can't!" I shout back.
"I try, okay, but I just, I can't." I cry.
My tears fall down on the sheets.
I wipe them of my face.
"I'm sorry." I say ashamed when I see Emily's shocked face.
"I don't have any control over my emotions anymore." I say.
"I get it Han, really it's okay."
"I don't know how I will ever survive today. I will completely break down, I mean we all know that's going to happen." I say.
Emily nods.
"You know what, Today is the day that you can, Han. You are allowed to break down, to cry and cry as much as you want.
As long as you don't forget that this day is also to honor Caleb, to thank him for being such a great guy and to celebrate that he was with us, even though it wasn't as long as we wanted him to be. He deserves a funeral full of love, we both know he doesn't want you to be sad. He always wanted you to be happy, he's gone now, but I can guarantee you that's still his biggest wish. We all love him and he deserves to know that whatever happens, we will love him and we will never forget him."
I've got a lump in my throat.
I feel tears on my cheeks again as memories of Caleb fly around in my mind.
All the good times we had.
Caleb was my soulmate.
He does deserve the best funeral ever.

The next chapter is going to be a long one (funeral+ flashbacks), so I'll  probably write it  in parts. do you want me to realease the parts one by one or do you want me to realease them in one long chapter?
Hope you all still like reading this story
xx