Living For My Sister

Shiver

I studied her. Her weak gestures as she spoke to our Mom. The way the crimson scarf wrapped around her head, that hid her baldness. The smile that barely graced her severely chapped lips. Her favorite ratty blanket that covered her lengthy diminishing body, the same one that she has had with her since her treatments began. She was as pale as a ghost, her skin almost transparent.

Tye my baby sister is so young, barely had the chance to experience life. Didn't get to set goals and accomplish them. She won't be able to get married and have babies. She was so close to tasting this life that we assumed she would of had until she relapsed. Her cancer came back full force and attacked her ten times harder. How unfair is this God that people speak of to give her life and then abruptly rip the rug out from under her. Especially at the young age if 18!

She was doing good before the relapse. Graduating High school, getting accepted into college and planning her life. The day I found her collapsed on the bathroom floor paler than a piece of paper my world came crashing down on me. I thought she was dead until I found a barely there pulse. We rushed her to the emergency room where they called her main doctor. After a lot of testing, cat scans and X-rays is when we found out the cancer had come back ten fold. It wasn't taken out during her last surgery all the way.

She took the most awful news of her only having a few months left to live like nothing was wrong. Her head held high and shoulders back. Not letting it get her down. Not a single tear shedding from her vibrant emerald green eyes. As I sat in the corner crying like a infant. She wasn't suppose to be the strong one but she was. She was my rock guiding me through this when it should be the other way around. Me being strong for her, being her solidarity and me the one to wipe her tears away. I was the big sister.

I was still watching her lost in my own world. Her adamantly talking to Mom while sitting in the chemo chair. They both slowly looked at me for a few moments until Tye started snapping trying to get my attention. I clocked back into the real world.

"Bea. Don't look at me like that." She said dryly.

"Look at you in what way?"

She laughed and shook her head no as she spoke "Like it's the last time you'll ever see me. Don't pity me big sis."

I breathed in deeply, scooting my chair closer and whispering. " Oh Tye." Were the only words to fall from my mouth as my lips started to quiver my eyes welling up.

"I wasn't looking at you with pity. I was just thinking of how brave, how strong you are."

Tye reached up with the arm that had no IVs coming from it. Her ice cold palm on my cheek as her twig thin thumb rubbed my falling tears. I heard my Mom intake air quickly. Trying to hold her emotions in. My little sister and I were having a staring competition, neither of us blinking. Tye sighed loudly.

"Bea what am I going to do with you? Huh? Don't cry for me. Don't hurt for me. I have greater things ahead of me. I just know it. I can feel it." She was quiet for a few seconds until she spoke again. "I will always be by your side. Just remember this. Every time you do something and it reminds you of me. That is me thinking of you. Being by your side right there as if I'm not gone at all."

Mom grabbed her other hand gently as tears rolled down her face. Tye turned to mom. "Same for you too. And Daddy. Every moment you were wishing I was there with you. I will be there."

My heart was feeling abnormally heavy hearing these words. I just shook my head in my sisters palm. Turning to place a kiss on it. Mom grasping her other hand a little tighter, dabbing at her eyes with the tissue she always had on hand. All of us staring at each other. Tucking this memory away for later use. Tye started smiling at us.

"Okay enough of this heavy stuff! I want a Popsicle!" Tye said with excitement. "It's about the only thing that's positive about coming to Chemo. All the Popsicles I can consume!" We all laughed. Mom left to get us some.

Tye picked up the old flimsy worn out leather journal on her lap and scribbled into it quickly smiling as she bit her tongue in concentration. Slamming it shut and placing it back down. She traced her initials on it. I smiled at her as she had a far away gaze on her face. She blinked a few times and caught me staring.

"What?!" She asked smiling back.

"What do you write in there all the time?" I blinked at her waiting for her reply.

"You know a little bit of this and of that." She paused briefly with a tight smile "Things." She was quiet again. "When I'm gone this will be yours. My last parting gift to you. But it's for you and only you. And don't let mom get it. Or even see it." Pleading me with her eyes silently asking me not to deny it.

I just shook my head in agreement as mom was walking back with three grape flavored Popsicles. Tye smiled which made me smile big. Mom was looking back and forth between us.

"Why do you girls look like the cats that got the cream?"

We both started giggling. Taking our Popsicles from Mom. Her phone started to ring as she reached down to get it from her purse, looking at the caller ID. She held her pointer finger at us telling us to hold on as she spun in her chair for some privacy.

I leaned into Tye "So if I'm keeper of the diary do I get to read it?" I whispered so Mom didn't hear me.

"Duh!" Tye giggled. Her laugh was infectious. Which in turn made me giggle.

Mom turned to us, eyeing us smiling as she talked into the phone. Rolling her eyes as she turned back around with her back to us.

"Where's Dixon today?" I asked her with googly eyes. Dixon being her crush who usually is getting chemo done at the same time. He was a good guy. Always making her happy, making her smile. He was the normalcy in her life.

"He was scheduled a hour later than usual. So I'm flying solo today." She was smiling from the mention of his name.

The nurse came to look at her IV bag. "You will be done in about fifteen minutes love. Can I get you anything?" She asked Tye.

Tye thought about it for a moment and shook her head no. The nurse started walking away. "Wait!" The nurse turned back around with a smile. "Do you know Nixon?"

"Speaking of Nixon!" The nurse said reaching down in her pocket fishing something out. She handed Tye a folded up note. She opened it and laughed her head off. I tried looking but she took it out of my eyes path.

"Mind your own business woman!" Scolding me.

She open her journal and scribble something down. Ripping out another piece of paper scribbling on it as well. She folded it up and handed it to the nurse. "Can you please give this to Nixon?" The nurse agreed and put it into her pocket.

It was silent for the last fifteen minutes. This is the part I hated. Tye goes home and gets sick. Puking up what little food that does stay in her stomach. She is always in pain after chemo treatments to. I feel so bad for her wishing I could take her pain away. I guess all the pain will eventually end. When her life ends.

The more feedback I get.... The more pushed I'll be to write!