A Feeling I cannot erase... I love him.
(the song: what hurts the most by cascada was the song at the background of my thoughts, made me emotional)
---> this is my story and my thought the moment I wrote it ... even though I feel hopeless but here it goes:
I am in love with someone and it's torturing me
I can't get him out of my mind, and it's making me crazy
Every song I listen to reminds me of him
Every single heartbeat is followed by his memory
I became like a love struck bird
Except that I am stuck in a cage
The cage I made for myself since forever
I can't even look in his eyes
Afraid it will betray all my emotions and make me weak
I am afraid to say anything to him, because I know I will feel overwhelmed
Yes, I blush, without even feeling it.
But I know that if I look at him straight, my face will turn blue from the choked blood
I will betray myself and I wouldn't be able to avoid it
In all my classes, we're sitting in awkward places
Maybe because in both cases I am afraid to glance his way
Afraid that our eyes would meet and that'd be the end of me
Afraid that his eyes would mock me, would reject me
Scared that he would be looking at the girl behind or the one next to me
I am even more terrified that he's already taken
The very thought of it punctures holes in my heart
And makes my head float through maybes and ifs, making my actions look stupid
And I am never going to know the answers because I am the new senior girl in my school
It sometimes breaks me and spreads venom through my expressions
Not just the fact that am new, but also that I am the youngest and shyest person among
them
I am 16
I didn't skip classes nor am I a genius
I am just a regular straight A student... when I want to be
Because studying is the only constant in my life
All my crushes vanished after a year
They either graduated
Or moved somewhere else
And it hurts every single time
And now I am more afraid than ever
I am graduating
I am going to vanish
Without getting to know him
It fills my eyes with tears every time I think about it
It pours rivers of painful salty water on my cheeks every time
It's nice knowing that someone might have feelings for me
Yes, I still think that way, I don't take action; I just let my imagination take control
It sounds childish but it's the only escape from my cage.
I love him, and that's the only thing I think about now a days
I get butterflies listening to love songs
Because in my head, there is only him and I
Alone in the world
Where nothing can get in our way
He's not the type of guy that talks a lot with everyone
I like how he's mostly in his own world
At least from what I see of him (twice a day)
He's always holding his iPod and it amused me when he listened to Taylor swift
It makes him sweeter in my eyes
And makes me want to know him more than ever
The curiosity drives me insane
But I am still not able to take my chances
Because, for most people, I am the unapproachable person
Even though I am very approachable for people who give me a chance
And as a new senior that rarely happens
I love how humble he appears to be
Even though he's on the local hockey team, he's everything but cocky
And I love that
Every day before I go to bed, I wonder
What it would be like to talk to him
To have a normal conversation with him
And not having to blush while doing so
I want to know what he wants to be after he graduates
I want to know his goals
I want to learn about his life
I want to know when he's happy
So that I can smile
I want to know when he's sad
So I can cry
And mostly
I want him to love me
Just like the way he stole my heart
And I will love him back, without any doubts.
Even tonight
Before I sleep
I will think of him
I will wonder again
What is his life like?
And what is he doing now
I would wonder if he thinks of me
If he even knows I exist
All those questions will keep hunting me
Only because I let them
Because I don't want to discover the opposite
I don't want to know if he doesn't even know I am alive
I love him
I love him
I can stay hours saying the same thing to my self
Again
And again
And again
Then I try to stop myself, but I just cant and I sometimes hate it
Because I really do love him. More than anything I possess, even my life <3
......................................................................Hoping one day he would realize.
