My darkest secret

Alone. That's what I am. I'm infinitely and utterly alone. This is not the normal way to start a diary, I know, but it's the truth. There won't be love for me again, or friendship. There won't be forgiveness because I just don't deserve it. Some hours ago, I lost the right for that.

No idea why I found this diary just after today evening. Maybe it was coincidence. Or destiny. I don't really care about that. "It's for your secrets", Mom had told me when she gave it to me. But I never had any secrets, I've always told them someone. Up to now. Because everything had changed some hours ago. So let me tell you about my darkest secret...

I don't remember everything of what happened. Exactly, I don't remember the important things. For example, how I got the knife or how the worst thing happened. But I'll start at the beginning, with the things I can remember.

Today afternoon, my best friend wanted to meet me because he had to tell me something. Something very important, he said. So we went to our favourite place in the forest behind my garden. I don't really know what exactly happened but in fact, we fought. My friend had told me that he had kissed my girlfriend. Actually, I didn't really love her but for some reasons I can't explain I got very angry when I heard about that. Probably it was the taste of this betrayal. In the end I was the only one of us who betrayed his friend but at that moment I didn't know that.

We stood there in the forest for a long time and shouted terrible things at each other. Then he began to hit me. Or I was the first who slapped him, I'm not sure about this. For some reasons I cannot explain our fight got stronger. It was very violent and suddenly there was something in his hand.

The sun was reflecting on it and it dazzled me until I could see that it was a knife. My heart skipped a beat and I couldn't breathe for a moment when I saw that. That's the moment where I begin to lose my memories. The problem is not that I have a blackout but I don't remember how the things happened. It was so fast and the shock still paralyses me.

I can still hear the softly breezes of the wind that moved the golden leafs of the trees around us. I smell the grass and the rain that has fallen down onto the wet ground some minutes before. And I still see the last ray of sunshine that coloured the forest so that it looked like a beautiful golden paradise. But I don't remember how the knife got into my hands and I don't remember the scenes out of hell that would happen here in some moments. I didn't want to grab the knife but somehow I did. At that moment I couldn't think clearly about what I wanted to do next. My body was reacting like I was just an uninvolved viewer. It was a kind of primary instinct.

When I stopped and looked down the next time I got a shock. The knife was still in my hand but the knife blade was deep in the stomach of my best friend. How could that happen? He didn't say anything, he didn't shout and he didn't cry. He just fell to the ground with a last look at me. His eyes told me: "It's okay. Don't feel guilty. I can forgive you."

Yes, this is my best friend. No, this was my best friend. He always believed in the good of every person he met. I wanted to whine, to shout, to cry for help but I just stood there and said nothing. There was no word that could leave my mouth.

The knife fell out of my hands, I wasn't able to keep it there. I sank to my knees next to my best friend. Next to his dead body. He wasn't just a friend, he was like a brother for me. A soul mate. The only person who was never far away when I needed him. But he was dead and I was to blame for it.

I had become a murderer when I killed the only person who meant everything to me. Why? Because he had kissed my girlfriend? A girl that meant nothing for me compared to him? It didn't make any sense.

All I could think of when I stared at my best friend's dead body was how I could ever live my normal life again. Maybe this thoughts were selfish but I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't start to mourn because then I would never stop. So I sat there on the cold ground and looked into his face for some minutes. It could has been hours, too, but I didn't really care about the time.

I felt the stupid hope that he could just open his eyes, smile at me and tell me that everything was just a silly joke. But of course, he didn't do anything like that.

There was blood, so many blood. It was dropping down onto the ground where it coloured the previous golden leafs into a terrible red that could be part in a horror film. I noticed that tears were pouring down my face because I was so burdened by guilt. Nevertheless, when I could move again I didn't call the police or the ambulance. I was too craven for it so I just ran away. I was in panic and I couldn't think about what I was doing but I know that there's no excuse for such a terrible action.

Now I'm sitting here in my room. It feels like it's ages ago since it meant safety to me. Slowly I'm realizing what had happened. Writing everything down helps to confront me with my darkest secret. But I know that I've made a decision, deep in my soul.

My best friend would have said that I must forget it and that I have to forgive me before I can expect anyone else to do that. But he's not here and he'll never help me again. I'll never hear his advices again because I killed him.

Some people would call it accident or bad coincidence. They would say that it wasn't my fault and that he just stumbled into his knife. But I know the truth: I'm my best friend's murderer.

I can't live with this knowledge and now I know what I have to do.
I see myself how I go back into the forest, searching for the knife that killed my brother. I can see how I use it against me, like I used it against him, and I see me how I meet him again, for a last time, to say that I'm sorry.

It's my only wish.

My mother had told me that this diary is for my secrets. I never had any secrets, I've always tell them someone. I've always tell them my best friend. But now he is dead, due to my fault.

That's my first entry and it'll be my last because my darkest secret will be my final, too. I just have to be brave enough. And I'll make it. For him.

This is not the end because for me it's just a new beginning.