Lost

Falling

Dear diary,

a lot of things happened and when I look back I wonder why. Things could have turned out different if people would have acted in a better way. But they didn't. And that is why I sit here, writing down a story no one ever heard of. 

I never talked to anyone about us because I know that they wouldn't understand. They would just shake their head and they would laugh at me. Well there is not even a reason to laugh because as we all know, all this ended up really shitty. But I don't wanna waste my thoughts on things I cannot alter now, four years later.

Maybe things would be different now if I hadn't gone to that festival back then. Maybe I would be happy now, a man by my side and a bright future ahead of me. But no, instead of that perfect life I just sit here, an old book with yellowed pages in front of me, a red pen in my hand, wondering what would've happened if nothing had happened.

I left the area where the concert took place and sat down on a wall. I heard my friends calling my name but I didn't respond. I didn't wanna talk to them cause there was no reason to. I didn't even know why I left, the concert wasn't over yet. But I couldn't stand looking at you while at the same time I knew that something wasn't okay with you. 

I just knew I had to leave.

I am still talking about those two seconds in which we looked at each other. I don't even know why because I look into people's eyes all the time but there was never ever anyone who made me see such a whole new world. A world of anger, fear and despair.

I already mentioned that your eyes were dark like holes and I am just one of those people who are scared to fall. I was always scared to know too much because if you do people will rely on you. They ask questions to whom you never knew the answers.

I was scared to fall because if you actually let go and fall into that dark, deep hole things will get complicated. People say that falling isn't dangerous and it is crashing what is dangerous. I tried to learn from that and while I was reading your feelings I wondered whether I got a parachute on my back. Cause you can fall and it will feel amazing and the moment before you are supposed to crash you use your parachute.

I looked for my parachute to save me. I was scared of falling. I didn't find one. And still jumped off the abyss as if I had wings to fly.