Raindrops danced along my skin as I stood before you. You were protected from the storm, standing under a newer umbrella. Your tanned skin contrasted the cold, looking warm. The grey sky above us hung with merciless clouds, and thunder rumbled somewhere far off. You may have looked warm, but your blue gaze was like the cold air.
I hugged myself, soaked to the bone as I watched the storm behind you. You were searching for words but your face gave it all away. I knew what was coming. But like the storm, I had no control over it. This was your decision, for the two of us. I can't say that I blamed you.
"I don't love you anymore." You finally spoke. The words were like spindly fingers, clawing at my throat and poison stinging at my eyes. I refused to cry in front of you. It's not like you really cared anymore anyway. I knew that you didn't love me anymore. I had known for a long, long time. I just never thought I'd ever hear you say it.
I saw the signs as time went on. You didn't bring me flowers anymore. You stopped pulling me closer while we slept. You started working longer hours, and going to sleep the moment you came home. I stayed up waiting for you, trying to push the theory that you could be cheating out of my head. And you could never look me in the eyes anymore. Kissing me was a chore for you. I wonder if pretending to still love me was as painful as knowing you don't. But it is doubtful.
After a long moment of silence, I spoke, "I know you don't." Your eyes widened as I dropped my gaze to the ground, watching the drops plummet down. Down, down, down to their death. A sad smile crept on my face as I dared to look up at you again.
Another silence passed, and I could see how uncomfortable you were. Showing the symptoms you always showed when we talked about us. Shifting your weight from one foot to the other. Eyes flickering to me and away from me, as if I were painful to look at but you couldn't help yourself. As if I were just a train wreck.
"I'm sorry. I just... I just can't be with you anymore..." Those stormy sea eyes shifted shades under the shadow of your lowered lids. Like a rain cloud had settled over your heart. I watched in amusement and misery. Maybe this hurt for you too.
You gave me a long, saddened look. "I wish you the best." You heavily sighed as you turned from me, and I swore I heard a hint of a sob. But putting me behind you, literally and figuratively, you walked.
I just didn't understand. How could we have drifted apart so fast? One moment we were smiling with limbs entangled, heartbeats in sync. The next, it was nothing but empty glances and hollow words. But then again, I supposed that I couldn't be surprised. I never deserved you anyway.
I will never be enough.
That mantra had echoed in my head for so long, it was practically carved into my mind with dull knives. But the etchings had been there for as long as I can remember. If you did in fact love me at one point, what changed?
I had to know.
"Wait." I desperately whispered, so quietly I was surprised when you stopped and turned to face me. "You used to love me. What made you stop?" I asked, trying to hide the cracks in my voice and the tears streaming down my face, mixing with the rain. "Is... is there someone else?" I grasped at the notion.
"Please, don't make this harder than it is." You ran a hand through your dark hair, looking more distressed than I ever had seen before. "I loved you with all my heart. But things change. People change. Just.. Just let me go." Voice saturated with exhaustion, you still couldn't bear to look at me.
You turned to leave once again, but I caught you by the shoulder. "No! You have to tell me what happened!" I was sobbing audibly now, I didn't care about holding myself together anymore. I pressed my face into your chest and wrapped my arms loosely around your neck. Though my hold was lenient, I was holding on for dear life. "Please! Please, please, please tell me!" My crying was muffled by your hoodie, but you did not shove me away.
But you didn't pull me closer, either.
A sigh escaped your lips. "It started when you tried to kill yourself."
Images flickered through my mind, showing me stills from the darkest moment of my life. An empty orange pill bottle; the gleam of a knife in the light; blood seeping through bandages; swirling blue and red lights; needles and white walls.
I looked up at you, but your chin was lifted, staring deep into the grey sky.
"You needed someone there for you. But I was too late. I stayed with you in the hospital as much as they allowed me to, but it wasn't enough. You wouldn't talk to me for a month, because I didn't answer your calls that night. Because I was too drunk and stupid, thinking you would be okay if I just left you alone for the night. I thought you were bluffing. I didn't think you'd actually do it. But you did and I-... I just left! I almost lost the love of my life!"
You were sobbing harshly now, which only made me hold you closer.
"If I had been there earlier that night..."
"But you're here now. Or at least you could be." I gave a small smile, despite the tears streaking down my cheeks.
"Stop forgiving me! I don't deserve it. You should hate me. That's why I stopped trying to care. I wanted you to leave me, to find someone better, but you're... too nice, too forgiving."
"If you still love me, why not try to-- to better yourself? Why not stay and make things right?"
You glanced away, "there is someone else."
My eyes widened, "so all those things you just said-- those were lies?! Just so you could go be with someone else while you earned my sympathy." I pried myself out of your arms and took a step back. "I can't believe you."
"No! No." You reached for me but I shrugged you off. "I just... turned to someone else for help and support. I couldn't figure out what to do and they helped me. And... along the way... I fell for them." Your voice fell as did your gaze.
"Right. Why don't you just leave now? That's what you wanted to do anyway, is it not?" There was ice in my tone, as cold as I felt. "You want me to hate you? Fine. I don't love you anymore."
I watched as your heart shattered before me. You dropped your umbrella and pressed the heels of your palms to your eyes.
"And this?" I picked up my umbrella from the ground, "this is mine. Goodbye."
It didn't really matter since I was soaked to the bone already but I didn't care. You would not get anymore of my life. No more of my life, my love, my tears. You left me. You left me during the worst time in my life when I had no one else. It was your turn to be the one getting rained on.
