Starting a story with I seems to be a bit self involved... and make no mistake this is not about me, however the eyes that see this are mine and the heart that feels this is mine to, hence why I would like to start this correctly.
I cannot help notice strange things in this world, seems like cruelty is common whereas kindness is rare. Thinking is overrated yet dealing with the inevitable consequences is always met with dread. A fear of leaving, fear of the unknown and the fear that it wont be greener on the other-side often holds us back to what truly matters, YOUR HAPPINESS.
To see someone who is entirely polite in every aspect of the word walk around in shadows out of fear is what eats my soul, I can see many things that wont touch me like that would, which makes this, to me, stand out more than most.
I remember when our paths were mere metres away, you were looking up in uninterested yet slightly craved stares, I was doing the same however so subdued to the worlds pressures and expectations I probably never looked back as I should of, that never stopped me from thinking about it and how I could of handles the situation better, but once again this is not about me, this is about you.
After the first time I saw you things went back to normal, for a while, then I “saw” more, as intrigued as a human could be scenarios and events started twisting my brain to the point where synapses didn’t even remember there role ironically enough... pain felt like a distraction from present, food as glamorous as could be ended dull, so I made an excuse to once again taste temptation, my eyes craved the food that they wanted, and no substitute would do it. This was my hell and mine alone, sweet sweet hell.
I wonder when you’ll see your potential, I wonder when you’ll see the side of you that everyone else does, and more importantly, how they do. Will it be on the last day of existence or tomorrow? That is the kind of hell that drives you into a crippling palisade of thoughts. That my friends is what its about... Let me explain.
When you’ve had no real interaction, no physical contact and hardly seven words with someone, and you fall asleep giggling at how good it would be, it kind of grounds you and gives you a sigh of relief... we wake up daily on time as conformed as can be, get in a car with the rest of the masses and drudge fourth to a place that eats the better part of your life, while worrying about bills, status and materials yet no one stops to think that the feeling you had before entering into the quiet actually means more than any of those things ever could, its about being content and pure feelings of wanting to let someone join into your adventure and make it better, not with money, not with power or looks, just good intentions, pure good intentions.
I feel that if I died today and went to heaven and sat down with god, dinner served and a beer and we were exchanging words, he would say, “as hard as it may be, as embarrassing and nerve wrecking as it could be, you know that its worth it, even if its a no, the fact of trying will mean you did what you could, can you see that?”, and with every form of humility I would probably reply, “yes I know but...”.
Hoping he would stop me and correct my small minded excuse is what I dream of, because for the life of me I know my problem yet not a clue as to how to stop it, I guess after all what I am trying to fix in her is my sole problem, fear. Fear can eat you alive, it can also drive you to the point of success if used correctly so I could never request it to be removed of this earth with any rational thought, as if you have your thoughts collected and together you can probably master fear and use it to your benefit.
How do you say something to someone you have no affiliations to nor any form of ties or bonds?
How does an artist start on that blank canvas, how does he not freak out about starting and immediately regretting it or even worse getting ridiculed for it. I guess that’s why he is the artist and I'm the clone, he had the balls to start, maybe I should to.
Back to the guest of honour, if there was a way you’d let me change your stars I would... I don’t know how I would but I know I would want to try, a smile that could change seasons with a glance, a innocent mindset with the cutest laugh, the absence of anything dirty in your eyes... god why did you spend more time on her than others? Was this all literally to make me realise I need to stand up and do something? Is this the Truman show and all cameras are on me? Because I can tell you from the bottom of my heart it feels like it when I'm with in 100 metres of her.
To whom I've never spoken to, the grass is greener, tides come and go but my mind wont, and there is a slightly wounded and scarred guy out there that would love to spend his life changing your stars.
A hopeless romantic that is not suited for this world <3
