I Only Meant To Do This To Myself

6 - There Is A Hell Belive Me I've Seen It.

6 - There Is A Hell Believe Me I've Seen It.

Bring Me The Horizon - Crucify Me

***
We had loaded everything into the house - which might I say was MASSIVE - and I had been shown my room, it was plain at the moment but everyone chipped in some money so as I could go to town and grab some things like posters, wall paint, bed sheets and all that jazz. Jaime offered to go with me but I politely declined his offer. I needed some time to myself. Plus, I can manage carrying this stuff anyway. I'm a big girl.

As I was walking out of the house, I pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up, inhaling slowly but deeply. Blowing the smoke out, I realised that there were people pulling into the driveway, so I turned back to the door and opened it. Vic answered it.
I quickly put the cigarette behind my back in hopes he didn't see it.

"Umm, there's people pulling into the driveway, do you know them or...?" I ask. Vic just smiles and walks to them, one of the guys gets out of the car and Vic and him do a man hug. When they pull away from each other, I hen notice who the men were. To say I was excited would be an understatement.
"May, this is Oli Sykes, Matt Nichols, Matt Kean, Lee Malia and Jordan Fish. Guys, this is May Thomas." Vic introduces us.
"Dude, you know I already know who these are." I laugh. "Anyway, I should go. I've got to get stuff for my room, remember?" I smile and give them a little wave. I walked backwards down the driveway waving at them because I didn't want Vic to know that I'm smoking.
"Wait!" Vic calls out. I mentally curse. "Tell them where you're from." He smiles at bring me.
"I lived in Sheffield until I was sixteen and then two years ago I moved to California because my p..." I tried off, even thinking of them made me depressed, "my parents got a job there." I looked down and turned around to walk into town. Not caring if anyone saw the cigarette anymore. By the time I reached the end of the street I was on my third cigarette.
"Smoking's bad for you, you know?" I heard someone say behind me.
"Oh yeah? What a shame..." I mumble and carry on walking. The person is now beside me and I turn to look at them. It's Oli. He takes the cigarette off of me and stomps it out on the ground. I roll my eyes and keep walking. I need to clear my head and he isn't helping. I put one of my earphones in and start to blast BMTH through them. I honestly don't care if he thinks that I'm listening to his band because he's next to me, I'm listening to them because their songs are so emotional and I can relate to them. They give me reassurance that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do, whose going through the same thing as me. It's indescribable how I feel towards his songs.

"You've got a way with words, you know?" I say to him.
"Huh?"
"You're songs are the ones I can relate to the most. It's indescribable how I feel towards them. It's like you're putting the words I can't say into something so gut wrenchingly beautiful. When I feel destructive towards myself, your band is the first on my playlist. I know I probably sound cliché but your band was like a gateway drug for me. It was one of the first bands I'd listened to and I've never gotten sick of it. That takes talent, my friend." I say without realising a tear had found its way down my cheek. Oli just smiled.
"Thanks I guess... I didn't actually realise that my music out of all of the other amazing things a lull make someone feel this way." He pulled me into a hug. We talked about life and music all the way to the shops and back. I was thankful to have him as a friend.

***

I sorted out my room, I had gotten black, blue and purple paint and splattered it across my walls with as a way to get rid of anger. I got white bed sheets and band posters, I also painted lyrics onto the walls in the places that weren't covered by posters. I smiled at my work and then I opened my door and said that the guys can look at my room now.
Jaime was the first up. "Holy shit, man! This is amazing!" He exclaimed. I got similar replies from everyone else and once that was over, I got changed into my pyjamas and sat down on my bed, playing my music on shuffle and scrolling through social media sites.

"May! Dinners done!" Tony called.
"Nah thanks! I'm not hungry!" I called back, I heard someone sigh and then footsteps come up the stairs. I didn't register what was happening until Mike, Tony and Lee were carrying me downstairs, well Lee was just making sure that they didn't trip and fall down the stairs. They ignored my protests and sat me down at the table and pushed me in as if I was a child. I rolled my eyes.
Oh, if you're wondering where Kellin is, he went home to his family. He was so excited to see his little girl, it was so cute!

"Eat." Was the first thing I was told by Vic when I was sat at the table. "I'm not hungry. I'll eat when I'm hungry." I sighed.
"Come on, please eat something." Jaime whispered to me. BMTH were giving me concerned glances and I just rolled my eyes and looked st my plate, at least they took into account that I was vegetarian. I pushed the sweet potato on my plate around, wondering how many calories there were on my plate. I had sweet potato, grilled tomatoes, an egg and quorn chicken. I sighed and ate some of the tomatoes, egg white, a small piece of the quorn and about three mouthfuls of the sweet potato.
"Thanks for dinner." I said to Tony, he smiled at me. I got up and scraped what was left over into the bin, washed my plate, knife and fork and then went upstairs.

I ran a bath and took my speaker, phone and laptop into the bathroom with me. My bedroom had its own bathroom so I was happy when I realised I didn't have to share a bathroom with nine guys. It would be four, but BMTH are staying with us until warped. Not that I'm complaining about that. Getting into the hot bath, I saw my reflection in he mirror and was back into a more depressive state of mind than usual. I don't think I can escape this one. I went under the water and rose back up in hopes that would somehow magically clear my head, I was wrong. I dried my hands on the towel I put on the floor to use as a bath mat because I didn't have one yet. I turned my music up louder and played I Gave You My Bullets, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, The Black Parade and the Weapons EP's. I wasn't in the mood for Danger Days.

*trigger warning*
Looking over at the sink, one of my eyeliner sharpeners was on there. Was I really going to do this again?
Shakily, I rose out of the bath trying to make as little noise as possible, grabbing the sharpener and a pair of tweezers, I used the tweezers to unscrew the screw that was holding the blade in place. I took the blade out and cleaned it.
I angrily made cuts along my thighs and hips. Soon there wasn't enough room, so I went onto my wrists. I don't have an explanation for this apart from "my mind."
Once I was done and wiped the blood away, I got back into the bath. It stung like a fucking motherfucker but I didn't make a noise. The water would clean the wounds. I ran the shower to wash my hair and then I was done.
I got dried and wore a black long sleeved top to bed along with black leggings so as if they bled any more you wouldn't see the blood or cuts. Smart one, getting white bedsheets. I mentally groan. I'll go out and get some black, red or purple ones tomorrow. Probably all three.
I got into my double bed after drying my head, I slept with my music playing softly through the my headphones and no one bothered me. They must think I'm getting better. Oh how wrong they are...
There is a hell, believe me, I've seen it.
There is a hell, believe me, I'm living it.

***
Sorry for writing such a depressing chapter. I'm just in that mood.

Erin.