Teaching To Love

Teaching To Love Again

“I make it easier for people to leave by making them hate me a little. But she wouldn't let me hate her."

-

The sound echoed through the house. Banging. The neighbours couldn't control how to actually be quiet. I looked at the clock. 5:02 am to be exact. It ticked slowly on the dirty gray walls. Ticking. It ticked sixty seconds, each minute. Sixty minutes each hour. Twenty-four hours in a day, 1440 ticks each day, that's enough to drive someone insane.

Insanity is a funny thing. What really is it? Is it rocking back and forth in a room, crying and screaming? Or is it just plain old, crazy talk. There is no crazy. It's your mental health that drops you into the stereotypical social ladder.

Teenagers can be anything they want to be. It's their choice, no one else's. People say that love comes at any age. It's true. I fell in love, but it's so hard to fall out of love. Falling isn't a good thing.  It's not easy, nothing is easy. She was petite girl, blonde hair, blue eyes that could make anyone fall at her feet.

She was every boys dream girl.

But how come one girl, can just change everything. She can't. It's all an illusion, life's an illusion. That's the popular saying, maybe that's where I got it from. But this girl, she wasn't any ordinary girl. She was like a siren, she was so beautiful, perfect in every way. Nobody ever got to see the inside of her. The monster.

A monster. Maybe in another dimension, she would look like one. But what does one look like? Life's unanswered questions. This is how easy people can fall. No body is strong, not physically nor mentally. Everybody is weak.

Look at yourself in the mirror, look at your eyes. Try to see the depth in them. You can't can you, because life is an illusion, no matter what anybody will say.

Can you count the days until you die, celebrate your birthday, another year before you die again? I guess you can't. I'm guessing by now you've guessed that you can't do everything. You can say everything, but i'm sure there is no meaning to your words.

The day was Saturday 2nd February 1991. I don't remember much of that day. Honestly, I don't think anyone does. The day I was born. My father wasn't there, my mother suffered in pain for twenty-eight hours. When I was finally taking my first gasp of air, my mother took her last. Everyday, I remember my birthday as the day she dies. I don't celebrate, never have, never will. I was brought up in an orphanage in an unfair home and lived off nothing but scraps from the other kids. I was the odd one out, it was like that for fifteen years, until I finally moved.

In 2007  I had just turned 15 and the orphanage decided to move me into a foster family. It was a countryside farm house with one older brother and a girl my age. She was also a petite blonde, but she wasn't the girl who broke my heart in two.

Her name was Lizzy. Her brother, Patrick, called her Lizzy The Lizard because of her weird fascination of Reptiles. They owned a snake and a small gecko, neither animals were fond of me.

Lizzy would always greet me in the same way; "Hey, Robert. Cat got your tongue?" I would sometimes ignore her, other times I would reply and walk to the stables on the opposite farm.

I was standing on the fence as I stroked a black horse, it's hair soft abs well looked after. "His names Shady." A light voice said from behind me. "Keep standing on the fence it'll break."

I turned and saw a girl with long platinum blonde hair. "Who are you?"

"My family owns this farm. And you're Robert, with the foster home across the field?"

It confused me how she knew that much about me. "How do you-"

She laugh and pointed to the house. "I'm friends with Lizzy. She's told be about you. Said you were awfully quiet."

"Oh."

Lizzy told her neighbour about me? Obviously bad things then. "Said you could draw? Can I see them?"

I gulped, the drawings were quite depressing according to the other kids.  They were boring and mainly black. "I don't have them with me..."

"I can see that, I'll be coming over soon for tea with Lizzy. How about I look then?"

Her blue eyes were kind, not one ounce of evil. "I don't know." But of course,  all people are the same.

You can only trust yourself in this world. "If I have to force you to let me see them I will," she paused, "trust me."

How couldn't I see the signs, they were so obvious. It's all like a boring story about how I failed at love. Everyone fails.

She saw the drawings and told me they made her feel sad, she pushed and pushed, asked if that's what I was feeling inside, said she could make it better, make those feelings go away.

For a short time,  the feelings did go away, but they came back and once they did I thought it killed me inside and out.

Never in the world will I let that happen again, not to me or you. So let this be a warning. Love makes you do stupid things.