i'm not okay//soulmate story

chapter one - caffeine cold

trigger warning: strong language, a small bit of harrassment (don't know if that needs a tw but just in case)

word count: 811 words

i walk to the bus stop, observing the golden-brown leaves that are fluttering down from the trees. the first day back at school, and i haven't seen any of my friends since the last day of term – well, except ethan. this isn't going to be fun.

   i mean, i could've seen them – they invited me enough times. i keep seeing celeste and lara together on their snapchat stories: and i'm always stuck at home with my mom, who is getting sicker and sicker by the minute.

   i get to the bus stop and see ethan waiting there in his golden, flamboyant, knee high socks and his grey shorts. he sees me and throws off his black sunglasses, running towards me and picking me up. he spins round and finally puts me back down on the ground, grinning at me.

   'hey girl! how you doing?'

   'ethan, i literally saw you yesterday.' i laugh, slapping his arm playfully.

   'and in that time, there might have been some gossip that i missed out on! you gained an instagram follower, your idol tweeted you back, or, or, maybe... maybe you got a soulmark...'

   'ethan...'

   i've never been in love. when you are born, you're born with a tattoo – mine is of a flame – on your ankle. if you fall in love with someone, their tattoo appears somewhere on your body. everyone i know has their tattoo and then someone elses – but not me. and i don't know why, i've just never fallen in love before. celeste is covered in them, because she falls in love with every cute guy she sees. her arms have dozens of tattoos covering them. ethan's only got one other, and that's his boyfriend's tattoo. everyone nicknames them soulmarks, because they have a distinctive colour – a kind of silvery bronze holographic colour. soulmarks make life a lot more awkward or some people, because if someone notices their tattoo on your body, they know that at some point you have fallen in love with them. the tattoos stay with you until you die though.

   'no, i haven't got a soulmark. well, obviously, because i was on the phone to you for like hours last night and the only person who i've seen since then is my brother. and i'm pretty sure that's illegal.'

   'ok, ok,' we get onto the bus and sit down on the table seat. ethan gets out his phone and texts sam, his boyfriend. he laughs and i cringe a bit. why am i so weird?

   'omg!' he exclaims. 'look at this!'

   he shows me a picture that sam has sent him of celeste sitting on a bench at school, draped over a guy who looks about five years older than her. she is laughing and smiling, her silky hair all over him. she is wearing this hot pink crop top that is basically a bra and a skirt so short you can see her victoria secret underwear. she looks really good, but the way she is all over the guy makes me feel sick.

   'oh s.hit!' he says. 'she caught sam taking the photo. she screamed at him. see, i told you that sam likes you. he did that for you!'

   'fine, i admit it. sam is a good boyfriend.' i say teasingly. the bus stops at school and we get off with the million other people who are starting back at this high school. ethan meets up with his friend beth and i go to find celeste and lara.

   i walk up the stairs to homeroom and see celeste and lara sitting in the corner. unfortunately, lara's boyfriend cas is sitting there as well, as is celeste's new guy. lara smiles when she sees me and gets up, but celeste pulls her back down again and motions for me to come over.

   'hey girl!' she says. 'this is oli.'

   'hey oli.' i greet him and he smiles at me. he's a nice one.

   'hey baby!' a random guy from our class grabs me from behind and pulls me up, his huge arm round my shoulders. i try to shrug him off but he holds onto me. 'what's up, susanna? don't wanna date?'

   i push him off and he scowls at me. 'frigid bitch.'

   celeste tells the guy to 'fuck off' and he goes back to join his friends.

   'god susie,' celeste looks at me weirdly. 'you can't fall in love with anyone! goddamnit. you're so weird.'

   um... doesn't she get it? it's pretty hard to fall in love when you don't find anyone attractive. i'd much rather be with ethan right now – but even he doesn't get it. he thinks i should be able to be in a relationship, but no. he just doesn't get it.

   lara gives me a sympathetic look, and then ms. black walks in and school starts again.