just me and my feelings

This is not a story. Well, it is, except for the fact that it is real. You don’t have to read it. You don’t have to follow. You don’t have to vote. You don’t have to recommend this to friends. You don’t have to do anything. I will update this when I feel like it. When I am feeling sad, or really passionate about something. I will write how I feel and what my opinion is. I will write what I want. When I want. In fact, I probably wont ever update it.

I don’t care if you leave now.

I don’t care what you think about me. I know I am not popular and that’s ok. I know why I am not popular and that is because I am fat, ugly and a nerd, and that’s ok. I really don’t care what you think about me. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. I can’t tell you what to do, whom to like, what to eat, anything really as it is your choice, but I can advise things. For example,

·      I hate it when people talk about people behind their back. It is cowardly because you are too afraid to say it too their face. And they can’t stand up for themselves. I refuse to talk about ANYONE behind his or her back because that is just as bad as bullying. There is only one person I would do that to and I have a VERY good reason to. And I very rarely do that because that is just as bad a she did to me.

·      I hate it when people swear. It doesn’t help the situation at all! And it is just plain rude! Most of my friends know not to swear around me. If my best friend does, I slap her on the arm. I just don’t understand it! For example, instead of calling someone a female dog, call him or her a poo-face.

·      I hate it when people on social networking sites are like “AWWWWW! ILY BABE!!!!!!!!! Xoxo” like, seriously, no one talks like that! And when they are like “AWWWW BABE YOUR SO GORG!” I mean, what happened to “you look so pretty in this picture! How is your day going?” no one asks how anyone is anymore! And it is getting a bit annoying. 

These are only three things that I hate and I have many more and could elaborate MUCH more on these points but you would get bored (if you aren’t already).

Many people have all these horrible back-stories like anorexia, self-harm, abuse etc. and I was only bullied. But that was a big problem for me! I know that my story isn’t as sad as others, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t as hard to go through.

Sometimes, my school organises days when people come in and everyone talks about their sad stories and I start crying. Some of the strongest people you know could have been to hell and back and you wouldn’t know. They just put on a happy face and no one suspects a thing. I once shared my story in front of over 100 people in my grade and I was so upset. Many people would have probably been thinking, “What is wrong with her? Her story isn’t nearly as bad as other people!” Well, that is just selfish. I may not have that saddest story, but it was hard for me. It was hard for me to go to school everyday and be bullied. It was hard for me to keep a happy face when everyone thought that I was a retard due to hurtful rumours, when none of them were true. But I eventually got through it, with the help of a few great friends and family members as well as teachers. I was 11 at the time. It was hard.

So don’t judge anyone until you know them. Please.

Popularity. To some people, this one word means so much, others nothing. To me, it means I fair bit. To me, I don’t want to be the one who is out all weekend partying, being a rebel, and disobeying parents. No, I want to be the one everyone looks to for advice, whether it is about friends, homework, or they just want to talk. But that isn’t easy for me as I am fat and ugly. I have a frizzy semi-afro mess of dark blonde/brown hair. I have what my friends call vibrant blue eyes, but to me, they are plain. I have fat cheeks that are always red, and my friends say they are really cute, but I hate them. I have thunder thighs and I hate it. I have a fat stomach and it annoys me so much. I am not comfortable in a bikini. Or shorts. Or my own skin.

I would never think of starving myself, no way! I love my food! I love cooking food and eating it. I would never be able to starve myself. And I hate sport.  It is mainly because I am not good at it but also because I am fat.

I completely understand why my friends don’t like me because of my appearance, but my personality, I don’t understand. I try to but funny, I try to help where I can, I would consider myself kind, and I really do care about my friends. I try so hard to make sure they are ok. I don’t care if I spend all day helping my friend study for a test, and then I stay up all night studying my self. I don’t care if I spend all my lunchtime or free time listening to my friends, trying to make sure they are happy. I really do care about them and try to make them happy, but no matter what I do, I am never really appreciated as much as I would like. For example, on the bus on the way home, some of my friends catch the same one as me. If there are an odd number of people, I will always sit by myself. And if there is an even number of people, everyone sits with whom they want to, and the left over sits with me. They look on their faces when they realise they have to sit next to me; it is like it is a punishment.

I really don’t think that my friends like me and this really makes me upset. I know that at the start of this, I said that I don’t care what people think, but there is only so much someone can put up with.

FYI: in case you were worried, which you probably weren’t, I would NEVER self-harm. I don’t need to do it my self when there are people to hurt me, but not physically, emotionally 

But I know there are a few great girls that I can trust with my life, and to them, I owe so much.

I am not fishing for complements with this. I am just writing down what I am feeling.