The Soundtrack of My Life

Dear Listener,

All my life, I've grown up with music as a constant. I've been in choir since I was four years old, and I love almost every kind of music. I've had some hard times, but everyone has. My parents got divorced when I was 8 years old, and then what was left of my family split up even further. I know probably a lot of people go through this, so I'm not complaining. I've had an all around good life.

The soundtrack you are about to read is made up of some significant moments in my life. Although some of them are pretty self-explanatory, not all of them are. Almost every one of the songs have lyrics that have been significant to my life. My soundtrack is composed of a lot of different songs, from a few different kinds of music. Not all of them have solid singers or writers, but all of them have a very special place in my life. I'm composing this soundtrack to try and look deeper into the meaning of many of my special moments in life. I'm trying to capture my life into some songs, and maybe even figure out something about myself along the way.

“You Are My Sunshine.” This song is what my birth father used to sing to me when I was little. He would sing this to me when I was upset, or whenever he was holding me in his arms. Whenever he would make my lunch, he would always write me a note that had this song written on it. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray I hope you know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take, my sunshine away. He made my lunch and put this note in it the morning before he was arrested. That was the last time I saw him before the divorce. It's the very last good memory I have of him. I remember sitting down at the lunch table, laughter and the smell of elementary school lunches surrounding me, the taste of the red pop my father had slipped me that my mother never gave me caressing my tongue. I was reading this note, smiling as I did. My smile disappeared when my mom came into my class and told me we were leaving. I remember how confused I was to be taken out of school during the middle of the day. How scared I was when I saw my mother's tears, and how sad I was when she told me that I was never going to see my dad again. Those tears I shed then have turned from sad ones to angry ones. The man I looked at as the greatest dad in the world turned out to be one of the world's worst kind of low life, scum sucking vermin. Whenever I hear that song though, I think of the way I used to feel with my father's big tan arms wrapped around me, my head leaning against the jumpsuit he still wore after he came home from work, his chin resting on my head as he sang those love filled words softly in his deep bass voice. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.....

“Camp Henry.” This is the title of the theme song at Camp Henry, the place I spend a week every summer at. Camp Henry is my home away from home. I feel like it is the only place I can truly be myself without being judged. On the shores of old Lake Kimbal, tapestried in green. Lies a camp that we call Henry, happy days are seen. Oh, Camp Henry oh, Camp Henry where we love to go. Where the campfires gleam the brightest, where our friendships grow. Comes the night, from the lake to the hills to the skies. All is well, safely rest, God is nigh. This is the song that we start the week off with, end every night with, and close off the week of being 'home' with. It's one of my favorite songs, ever. I know every summer to expect the smell of burning wood, the sound of chirping crickets, and the feel of my cabin mates surrounding me, the love radiating off all of us as we listen to this beautiful, sweet song that touches all of our hearts every time we hear it.

“One Girl Revolution” by Superchick. My sister moved out of the house when she was 15, and she moved in with my grandma. I didn't understand why at the time, and quite honestly I still don't understand completely. But, after a few months, my sister invited my younger sisters and I to come over and hang out with her for the day. I remember feeling awkward, standing next to my sister at her new house with my grandma. It wasn't like going over to just visit my Nana Nana (grandma), it was more like my sister had already completely grown up, and was living on her own. I'd been angry and confused, and I'd almost completely refused to go over and see her. But for some reason I still had. At the time, I felt so useless and powerless to stop anything from happening. Then my sister turned on this song, and started singing along with it. The lyrics reminded me of the strong person I was back then, and still am now. I'll be everything, that I wanna be. I am confidence in insecurity. I am a voice yet waiting to be heard. I'll shoot the shot BANG, that you'll hear 'round the world. I'm A One Girl Revolution.

“American Soldier” by Toby Keith. My mom met this guy named Ryan. He was kind of scary, and a little overbearing, but he was still a nice guy, and I liked him. I just didn't think of him as my dad, until the night of his brother Rob's wedding. A slow song had just come on, and it was one I had only heard once or twice before. I remember being shy as I asked Ryan to dance. He moaned and groaned and said he didn't want to, but my mom made him go dance with me, saying 'Go dance with your daughter.' I wasn't quite sure about the 'daughter' part, but I was happy to be dancing with someone who was so close to a good father figure to me. I wrapped my arms around his purple dress shirt, inhaling the scent of his cologne, and swayed along with him to the music. When the chorus hit, I remember that most for some reason. I'm an American Soldier, and American. Beside my brothers and my sisters, I will proudly take the stand. When liberty's in jeopardy, I will always do what's right. I'm out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonight. American soldier, I'm an American Soldier. Ryan was singing along softly to the song, and that's when I started thinking of my birth father, when he would sing to me while I was in his arms. That's the first time I every truly thought of Ryan as not Ryan, but Dad. I've called him Dad ever since.

“He Didn't Have To Be” by Brad Paisley. One of my friends recommended this song when I told her about this paper I had to write. It almost exactly portrays how I feel about my (step) dad. He didn't have to be such a good dad. He didn't have to keep seeing my mom when he found out that she had four kids. Especially when being a single divorced mom is a sort of taboo to most men. My dad stepped in and became everything that my birth father wasn't. Loving, caring, and always there for us when we need him. My dad has molded my sisters and I into very good people, despite everything we've all gone through. He didn't have to be. Nothing could be more true than that.

“Last Resort” by Papa Roach. Loud, dark, depressing. The topic of this song is suicide, which, sadly, is something I have considered myself. Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing. Don't give a f**k if I cut my arm bleeding. I have never tried to cut myself, but I have tried other methods of murder unto myself. Now, I am getting better with the help of my family, but I still have moments when it's hard. So instead of hurting myself, I turn this song on my computer and this is my form of letting out my pent up frustrations. That and the guitar part in the song is really cool.

“Sorry” by Buckcherry. Apologizing is something that I probably do too often. I apologize for things that aren't even my fault. Something I know that I need to ask forgiveness for, are my attempts on my life. I shouldn't have ever tried to take myself away from everyone. I didn't realize until recently how much my family really does love me, and how heartbroken they would be if I died, especially if it was self-inflicted. So, for my family and friends- I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue. I'm sorry 'bout all the things I said to you and I know. I can't take it back....... And I just, needed to say. I'm sorry.

The creation of this soundtrack has opened my eyes to really how much I have grown over the years, from the children's songs of my youth, to the loud, dark, depressing music I listen to today. I had no idea how eye-opening this project could be to who I really am at heart. I hope that this project has also given you, dear listener, at least a slight look into my heart and soul. So, with my greatest gratitude, I thank you. I thank you for listening to my life, and I hope that you enjoyed it.

Sincerely, from one of the most f**ked up writers ever,

Alexis C. DeGroot