Dear Peter
Thank you so much for your warm letter. I was both surprised and delighted to receive your supportive words last week as it is not often I hear from 35 year olds, especially now most people have lost faith in my existence. I was initially unsure if I could come through with your requests because your list is a little specific. A blonde, leggy Katy Perry look-alike wasn’t so hard to find, but I had some problems acquiring the new Mercedes-Benz CLA Class at such short notice. The six figure salary job in the city was also a bit tricky to negotiate until an old friend obliged; after I hinted that I might forget to stop over at his house this year (his three children would have been very upset with him).
Everything was ready to be dispatched in time but, regrettably, the missus found your letter and had other ideas about your position on the naughty list. Turns out you haven’t been a good boy for some time now. I was willing to overlook some of your adventurous transgressions until she pointed out the unfortunate incident of the twenty sixth of September. Peter! Some things are best left undone, even if the (much too tempting) opportunity arises.
Maybe you can try again next year. The missus will be spending the next festive holiday with her family. There’ll be no one to point out if you’ve been good or bad, unless she gets one of the sprites to keep tabs on you. Best be good, just in case. In the meantime, I have enclosed a candy cane to help take your mind off the disappointment of not receiving your presents. I hope it goes some way to reduce the frustration you must feel.
Don’t forget to be good.
Warm regards,
Nicholas Claus
