Splitting Hairs

Twenty Six

I was sent to the hospital. I was in and out of conscious, but I saw Julian holding my hand as I was rushed to the ER. "Jeannie... I'm sorry. Please hang on babe..." He kept whispering. 'Yun yung naririnig ko. Tapos nung ipapasok na 'ko sa loob ayaw niyang pakawalan 'yung kamay ko.

Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang mawala 'yung baby JJ ko.

With the last ounce of strength, I pulled my hand from him. In my blurring vision I saw how defeated he looked. That time, ako ang nasasaktan. Mas ako ang nasasaktan. Emotionally and physically. But this time, hatred won.

I couldn't live with Julian anymore if my baby would be taken from me.

***

I woke up disoriented. My head was pounding. Parang iba 'yung room. Then the nurses were speaking in English. Napataas kilay ko dun. Wow... Sosyal na ba ang mga nurses sa Pilipinas? Are they required to talk in English now? May pisong multa na din ba kapag nag-tagalog sila kapag duty hours? Yeah, right. As if I were in elementary again.

Then everything suddenly flashed to my memory again. My hand flew to my stomach.

"'Yung baby ko..." I cried. A blond petite nurse came to my aid.

"It's okay ma'am... you're fine now."

Gusto kong sumigaw. Magwala. Do I look fine? Was I losing a baby okay to you? But no voice came out. Para akong mamamatay sa takot. Though my body felt numb. I started sobbing hysterically. Even the nurses were calming me down. Tapos biglang bumukas 'yung pinto.

They were all there. At unang una kong nakita si Julian.

"Jeannie!" Nilapitan niya agad ako.

He was about to embrace me when I pushed him hard away from me. I couldn't stand the sight of him!

"Get away from me!" I shouted. Nagtataka ako kung san ko pa nakukuha ang lakas ko.

"Doc what's happening to my wife?" He screamed in fear.

Dapat lang! Dapat lang siyang matakot. Wasn't it long overdue for him to care of me? My heart went out to the tiny little thing who hadn't even seen the world. Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung tinurok nila sa 'kin. Basta mabigat 'yung pakiramdam ko. "I hate you Julian. This time... I... I... m-mean it..." Finally. My long overdue speech.

***

Two weeks. Hindi niya 'ko pinupuntahan. I missed him and hated him at the same time. Naiiyak na napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. I didn't wish him to be dead, but I did ask for him to fall into a ditch. Death is quicker. Suffering isn't. This would be my last day in the suffocating hospital. Malakas na nga ako eh. Kaya ko ng sapakin sa mukha si Julian. How inconsiderate of him! He didn't even get to visit me? Ha!

"Hello... okay na ba pakiramdam mo?" Uncle Jin smiled at me.

"Diretso na tayo sa airport."

I nodded again.

"I could walk, you know." I smiled at Tantan. He was such a dear boy. Ngayon ko lang siya na-appreciate. Kung kailan pa nawala 'yung baby ko. Tears were threatening to explode again. I hugged the boy. He squealed.

Pero nasasaktan ako kaya nagagalit ako. Anger was better than grief. It was irrational. And the pain ran so deep, the anger was so much better to handle. And he was becoming my outlet.

Tapos kinusot ko 'yung ilong ko. "Naligo ka na ba?"

The boy frowned at me. "Uncle Julian!" Mabilis itong lumapit sa Uncle nito. I mean... tama. Because Celine, Tantan's mother, was Julian's half-sister now that the truth was finally set free. I avoided eye contact.